So few days ago I went to this research study for autism via the local university. Since it was just an assessment, no diagnosis was made, but this is what the psychologist guy told me while the appointment was winding up. 

I don't remember every single detail, because I struggle with that side of things, but he told me that it's certain that I do have learning disabilities. Definitely some sensory issues in there, too. That (he used the term, not me) since I show interest in relationships and socializing I could be more on the aspergers side of the spectrum. And that it seems like I don't have trouble with conversations, ie syntax, expressing, etc and some word he used that I forgot, also could be aspergers. 

I made a point to tell him that yeah I speak and conversate well. That I seem engaged and charming—it's all learned behavior. I don't come off as typical on the autism spectrum because my parents literally beat it out of me. That classmates bullied it out of me. That if I didn't mask in general, I'd never be accepted. He mentioned something about me being aware but having to hide it? 

Me wanting a relationship, possibly marriage and a job someday doesn't diminish that I could have it. The guy was really nice and we got on well, didn't seem cold and clinical in his approach. So yeah, I was going to open up fast. There's been days going on weeks where I don't talk to anyone because anxiety and fear I'll say something offensive, awkward, perform boring info dumps or cling on desperately saying anything (in the case of the guy I'm dating) that keeps me silent most of the time. Sometimes it's genuinely me being at a loss for words. I'll talk to myself all day long or I'll post on social media, but irl? C'mon. Dude, I didn't even look him in the face, I was staring at the floor or out of the window 80% of the time. Did he not notice that?

Anyway, he says that he's versed in autism in women, but yet it's not a cut and dried conclusion of whether I am autistic (you sure, friend?) I mentioned adhd, but it wasn't a screening for that of course, and I'd have to have been tested for that in childhood. Hah! Poor black girl growing up in the 80s and 90s?! Me and kids like me didn't exist to let clinicians tell it. So I'm fucked there although I show traits and signs of that, too. 

Fortunately he suggested a referral to a lady psychiatrist, likely a colleague of his to follow up and likely a diagnosis? Since the department he's in is backlogged, I won't get a report from this session for a week or more. Fingers crossed for everything. I just want to put this to rest that I'm not broken or another black lady with a shitty stereotypical "attitude problem".