A month ago I was asked out on a date by yet another man who ended up threatening violence etc. I made a post on that.

I basically don't know much else, in terms of romantic relationships. But at my 35yo until recently I still thought that it's just that it looks like there are no decent people out there, because I am picked up by the rare evil ones, but actually there is plenty of good ones and one day^TM I will find some of them. Now I know that that probably won't happen because I am just too different.

When I see myself on photos/videos I look like there's a blank screen over me (even I can see that!), I am completely unreadable, and I almost never think to speak unless someone asks me a question.

When I try acting differently my brain kinda melts within a few minutes. Writing is fine but speaking and making facial expressions is really a struggle.

I wanted children but I recently realized that I would not be able to give them what they'd need anyway, because I am not accepted by society, so it's for the best if I don't have any. I cried over this a lot.

And a lot of things that mattered to me in the past now trigger the thought "eh, what's the point."

I completely changed my lifestyle in the past months. I now spend an awful lot more money, mostly on clothes. I can afford that, I just never did that before and it feels strange. I ditched a couple of friendships that felt unbalanced. I go to see classical music or theatre almost every weekend (alone, in a new dress every time). When I look at myself in the mirror it sometimes feels like it isn't me, it's like I've got all the accessories and clothes plastered on top of me, but I am aware that objectively I now look more "standard" so I guess better.

This all is on a pretty stressful background. Emotionally - Last year I fell in love, he appeared super interested (and neurodivergent), after a few weeks slow faded me, started dating someone else but continued to stare at me when he saw me outside, stalk me through my windows, got a side job in the gym where I go but won't talk to me... I'm not sure what happened there but I feel such hate towards him that it scares me. If he died in front of me I wouldn't raise an eyebrow type of resentment.

Then, I am an immigrant from somewhere pretty near a war zone to a non-US country, went in my childhood through a warlike conflict with secret police and all. I'm currently on temporary documents, so the past 4 years were just constant stress that I will get kicked out or my lawyer is another cheater (went through 6 of them). My current neighborhood mostly did not accept me (lots of street harassment), so currently relocating. I have never lived in one place for longer than 4 years since I was 16 and it just kills me. I have no family since I was 16, when grandpa died (father CSAd me and rest is also out of the picture).

So. As this all settled down, I notice that I feel a lot less about things.

For one, when a person approaches me lately, my body just totally hardens and I get very calm, like preparing for an attack, especially when it's a man.

But the thing that scares me about it is that I feel no fear when this happens. It's like I have completely accepted that people generally mean physical harm and nobody will help, and my behavioral habits adjusted to the reality.

I was such a nice sweet person all my life, always considering other people's POV, now I feel more like a one man army lol.

One thing is I don't recognize myself, another thing is I worry this will harm my work relationships, but I am actually not sure if it can. Maybe I was too empathic and understanding before and now I am closer to normal? I have no perspective on this. I worry I will become someone who hurts people, I kinda don't know where is the line between taking care of oneself and hurting others. Anyone had this happen?