I have barely slept because of this.

My partner went out with his brother and had “a good talk” about how his brother apparently has been angry (mostly at him) for quite some time because they (him and his partner) feel they are not welcome in our house. He felt that when they drop by spontaneously we are always busy and their company is unwanted. He was also very angry that my partner didn’t go to his big 40th birthday bash, but we did go to see our friends new baby the next day. He has been ranting to his parents about this for some time. Now my MIL is awesome and has been defending us. Anyway, apparently it was a “good” conversation where my partner explained how we hardly ever meet up with friends and just like to be at home most of the time doing our things. I’m a bit flabbergasted by it all. I can’t remember them ever dropping by spontaneously. Or them ever asking to meet up for something. BIL said they felt unwelcome and that is why they didn’t try to arrange to meet up but left it to us. His wife feels she isn’t really an aunt to our child like this. I am so confused. To me we see each other quite a lot on birthdays (unfortunately my in laws are big on birthdays). We went to one of their kids birthdays very recently. The reason we didn’t go to my BIL’s was because it was at night and we didn’t have someone to babysit as they would all be at the party, plus I’m not comfortable with leaving the little one with a sitter at night yet. My partner didn’t go because he hates those kinds of parties (at a bar) and he honestly is pushing towards a burnout. He played it down a little when canceling though, but BIL seemed fine with it although disappointed. The whole reason they went out was to make up for not going.

Now the reason I was up all night thinking about this is because now my partner feels we should reach out and arrange to meet up. I don’t want to. They are nice enough, but we don’t really click and I feel like I have to be on my guard with them even before this situation. We scramble to talk about anything. Plus I’m not working currently because of pregnancy related issues, so I have to watch my energy and activities. Ugh, I would be a lot more sympathetic if it didn’t feel like we were blamed for something and they weren’t angry about it. We would have totally met up with them if they wanted, it’s just we don’t really initiate with anyone, not just them. And I would totally do it now if their attitude was different.

Am I being unkind about this? I was really happy about how we were setting boundaries with not going to every single birthday anymore and trying to see people individually if we didn’t go to birthdays. My partner has ADHD and is struggling with that realisation and what it means. He has been masking for all his life and is now slowly getting to know who he is and what he wants. Social settings drain him completely and he needs a nap. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is on the spectrum too. My family is very different and if we want to see each other we do, because no one is going to wait around for the other to initiate and feel hurt if they are busy.

Edited to add: I mean he's not wrong that we don't like it when someone visits spontaneously. But if you drop by unannounced why should you be hurt that we are going about our day? We didn't expect you and we have plans. Mundane plans like doing laundry, walking the dogs, maybe clean the chicken coop... If it were me I would just call next time I want to pop round...