Hi. I left my partner after being with her 2 years due to some toxic behavior and have been trying to sort myself out. There have been a few people that opened me up emotionally, but after reading their emotions it did not seem like there were signs towards more so I am just leaving those be. That is fine and I am not rushing but I am trying to work on being a tad bit more open.

Being in my 30s, it does open up a lot of questions. I have been with two people (two times each) and with separating I don't plan to go back to the toxic behavior it makes me feel like asking now what? On one hand I don't want to be alone and would be nice to have someone, but on the other hand I see a lot of toxic relationships out there, my body reacted to the brake up with diarrhea and throwing up with aches all over, and realizing I have people pleased too much, I have felt kind of back and forth about finding someone. I look through tinder like a Sear catalog, but honestly I am not in the mood to seriously invest unless there are larger signals as many use your intentions to get attention.

The other aspect is I am not mainstream. I see many issues coming down the societal laundry shoot and everyone wants to stay glued to the golden path, even if a tsunami is on the way. I feel it in my gut. To add to this I have been listening to my body and instincts after the break up more and realize I need to self love by enjoying things that are not work per say, use automation and tools to cut down on demands, and finding healthier coping mechanisms. What does remain is how to be vulnerable but still mask to an extent professionally. I think the biggest thing for now is to just focus on friendships, but longer term how do I deal with a society that seems to enjoy inflicting pain on us? I am not even asking for accommodations or anything and yet people still act like I am off. I might try and work on body language and a few other things.

The final thing that is frustrating is a lot of people seem like they have stuff handed to them if that makes sense. It is not even the oh I know your dad from such and such a place, but just people find a lot of NTs superstars. This makes me question whether I can excel at life, even with the intelligence and all that. I used to do what no one else wanted to do to get ahead but now that everyone else started doing the same idea, the low hanging fruit for work, love, etc. seems dead. I want to try a few more avenues in work life and love before I give up on having ultra success. But if that fails, I might just lose some of my ambition as I already have my own place.

With all the reservations though, I still see some meaning in all this. I can work on being a better poker player, I can work on my pilots license, I can work on getting an apartment abroad, work on my Masters, and some of the contingent ideas as well. If they do not work, I will just enjoy flying and other hobbies. I can safely say that all these things are for me and when I let up a little bit on ambition beyond what's on my plate and plate coming out of the kitchen, I am happy. It still seems bonkers that despite those interests and others that others are not interested, but it is what it is.