So here we go. This post is not all bad sti has been rough.

So long story short my now ex wife decided to cheat and hit me and be generally a jerk about things (comparing our looks, barely pitched in on bills, made comments about guys, talked about opening up our relationship etc). So after trying to make it work I am done. I worked my ass off too much to support an unsupportive partner. On top of this I realized I was getting more attention from females. It was weird.

Before I ended my relationship, I realized I needed to improve. I exercised, got rid of nice guy attitudes, and I have been working on childhood traumas (rejection, feeling suicidal so I turned workaholic on my goals, and my diagnosis). However the biggest thing I want to kick to the curb are not accepting my diagnosis and then my rejection issues and then the subsequent neediness as this lead to my past toxic relationships.

I have worked past rejection as I realized it is in the past. However with neediness I want to be okay with myself as in the past I would seek someone out to say I am ok even if society told me otherwise. I have come to the conclusion I only want casual relationships and no marriage or ltrs , so that helps a tad in not rushing into a relationship but I still want casual stuff. I do plan to ask 96 people out, but I took a break to fix myself so I could better handle the rejection for rejection therapy, but eventually I want to fix my rejection thresholds so I don't feel bad in the future if I do try to get a casual fling.

However I just overall want to feel ok with my Aspergers so I don't feel so bad. It is hard for me to accept that this was handed to me and as a result my pool of potential fling partners is relatively smaller and I feel judged by society. I know several people that just are able to snap their finger and are able to get sexual partners and I have had 3 and I am in my late 20s (plus some sex workers). I just feel self concious, but still feel less than before because I don't need a relationship but I feel like I need validations from flings to say I am not a freak to all of society. So I am trying to seek solace in my diagnosis so I am not insecure about it and I am not manipulated into needing anything. Basically I need to accept my diagnosis.

I have had good conversations with a female coworker about business and other things and realized that not everyone thinks I am a freak. I just want to realize this on a systemic level.

It also feels weird as I have my shit together. I have a rental and a house , good job, college degree, and yet I do not feel like I am that interesting and people think I am a stupid nerd. I have travelled to Canada, Belize, Panama, Mexico, and Colombia. I am well read and program in my spare time.

I think the whole be happy with myself has been hard to swallow. What does tha t mean? I enjoy my company but I feel judgement by society. I want to travel and expatriate , network outside my smaller city to have better connections, exercise, and dress better. It seems like I am loving myself but I am still not apparently. So the feelings about my diagnosis are the only thing I can think of when people mention this.

So to conclude, when I say I am coming undone I feel like all the emotions I held in are coming out and I have been an emotional rollercoaster. I just want to accept that I have Aspergers but it is hard to accept that despite my work in life, I still have limitations.