So twice over the last two months, I've felt this mourning for a relationship that ended a year ago. As you can imagine, not fun. Then I realised: What I wanted was the emotional security that comes from being in a relationship, the idea that someone will be there for you, who you have an empathetic emotional investment in. I thought, maybe I don't need a relationship for that, maybe I can get it just from my friends.

But... nah? I'm struggling to find friendships that allow me to be vulnerable. And now that I'm trying, it's proving harder to see people who are open with me as I am with them, whom I can invest in like that and feel reciprocated. I notice friends who I feel could be confidants, who are either similarly on/off in terms of sociability, or more interested in investing in other friendships/on a different wavelength in terms of maturity.

I'm kinda stuck? In this place of how do I get thing?, hitting the same obstacles like a fly on a window. My hope was that I'd figure this stuff out, that I'd find friends that fit this support network role, so I could go into dating without unhealthy addictive attachment I've had to the validation/rejection from it before.

Blegh.