Any other Aspie folks have this problem?

I have never been able to love myself no matter how hard I try. I have tried meds, I have tried therapy, I’m broken and I have no goddamn idea how to fix it!!!!! I’m so fucking frustrated at this point, I have great days where I feel like maybe it’s finally happening but it doesn’t last, I slide back down no matter what and just start thinking about how lonely I am and how much I hate myself and the cycle starts all over again. The two devils on my shoulder start talking and I can’t get them to go away! Yes I have depression along with anxiety and I’m to the point where if I could get on the trials for ketamine or some shit like that I honestly would in a heartbeat because nothing else has been able to kill my mind enough to help. I don’t want to be like this anymore! No matter how hard I try I can’t stop hating myself and being angry about stupid shit and hating the world around me! fuckkkkkkkkkkk!