So long story short, I got stuck downtown in my city at an IHOP and drifted between awake and asleep. In this moment, I realized that I needed to forgive myself. Not because of some terrible evil I committed, but to give thanks to myself for saving my ass from what could have been a horrific situation. It is like someone accidentally getting cut in the neck and worrying after you apply pressure that they will have a scare or you dislocated something. When I was younger my dad died and after that time I felt suicidal and as a coping mechanism I repressed my feelings for the longest time and worked my ass off so I would have something to keep my mind from goin to that dark place. I realized that was the mental CPR I needed to get through and the repression was the best way I knew to "be my own dad". I may not have "loved" like my actual father would have, but I sure as hell did not just sit there and risk my life. So from that I realized that I should give myself credit for what I have done, not what could have been. Hope that makes sense.