I had two people, one a friend and another a former friend. One was all chill for 8 years, but there were warning signs (using men and people, etc.), but there were no warning signs of threatening to kill me. Suffice to say I am taking that person to court, etc. . The second person is a long time friend but I feel like I am chasing him (he lives in another state). We talked about doing a project together, but then he lamented about X or Y. No worries. But it seems like every time I contacted him he was busy or not up for talking. The last time I called he was heading out and had to hang out. Apparently he was taking a 10 hour drive to a conference, but I did not realize that and kind of got a bit offended and that was my final straw. We have since talked and we are fine but I still can't help but feel like I am chasing people. With the first person I gave them a longer leash because I had known them for a while , but ultimately I think both were also in part knowing it is hard to meet people so I gave them a longer leash because I don't have many people and sometimes I need someone to talk to outside my family.

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This got me thinking about time. I have been doing a lot of overtime and I realized that my time is super valuable. If I charged people for my time by either my regular or OT rate, most people would balk (not trying to brag, just thinking out loud). So if people are going to disrespect that time, that is time I could use to work on reading books, working on building up my article library, working on a computer program, etc. . To add to this, you look at studies at how the quality of people has been going down by various metrics in the States at least, and it makes you wonder if this is a waste of time. I still want to stick close to friends I do have and things I do care about, but it seems like if socializing with people is rubbing shoulders with narcists who have weak attachment, then maybe it is healthier to consider alternatives. I should pursue things I like (programming, going to metal concerts, etc.), instead of trying to chase after friends. After going to a metal concert last night, I realize I gave up a lot of myself with my ex (not going to metal concerts as much, not having my stuff up as it looked junky, etc.) and I need to enjoy what makes me happy.

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In closing, the biggest thing I am coming to is that outside politics or a few other areas, trying to manipulate PR or whatever is a losing venture (and increasingly so), and it is better to focus that energy on things that give you power over your life (investing, starting a business, working on your health, cultivating the relationships you have, etc.).