Short version: I need a companion in life. All of my favorite things are on hand but I can't enjoy them anymore because I feel so alone.

I've been taking care of myself, limiting most stressful social interactions and giving myself time and resources to enjoy my own interests that I've neglected when I was studying and working. Even when I do everything right, get enough sleep, eat well and exercise, I feel terrible when I do my activities alone.

I used to have a bff since 2014. He got a gf online in 2020 during the lockdown while playing Among Us. He often stayed at our house at the time because he had to work from home but his family's house was too small. His gf found out that we had been sharing a Netflix account because she snooped on my profile (it was just labeled '2' instead of a name) and found that someone's watching romantic dramas. (Lowkey sexist, but that's exactly what happened.) She banned him from talking to me or any female friends. And that was the end of it.

What can I do? I'm not a gamer, and I don't lie. There's no way I would play a game like Among Us, which he loved so much. Obviously she filled a need that I couldn't fill, and I had no choice but to let him go. But he was my only link to the outside world. He was my only companion whether it was watching anime or playing games or reading books. Sharing with him made things doable even if I couldn't go deep into my own personal interests and had to find things in common with him.

Now that I'm alone, I could get into what I really wanted to do. Except that I don't find them doable anymore because the crushing feeling of being alone in it ruins it for me. I have several interests that I don't share with any of my friends or family. I used to be ashamed of them and avoided them for a long time in favor of more practical and socially acceptable things. These past few years I've been working to change that and dive into things that I really want instead of what society dictates.

I bought and downloaded several books about my interests. I got emulators of my old favorite games from the 90s and 2000s. I found a way around having no DVD player by buying a DVD drive, sound card, and headphones. I can blast screamo and hardcore music and sing at the top of my lungs and nobody will cringe. We have a smart tv now. I even have my favorite cup noodles for whenever I may feel like watching a historical drama on the tv and eating at the same time at midnight (my own guilty pleasure). But I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't even look forward to them because I am so lonely.

I wish I were like other aspies who can live alone on their special interests. I wish I didn't need to have a best friend or companion in life. Why do I have to be so socially oriented? I hate being a girl and being emotional too. Having a lot of things just makes it sadder for me now.