i want to die. this world isnt worth living in and i dont have any more reasons to live. last night i was having a fever and a meltdown, and i lashed out at the person i love the most. what that person didnt know is that my whole life was flashing in front of my eyes right then and i felt all the hurts from before.

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i lost my bff of 6 years because he had a jealous girlfriend who wouldnt let him talk to exes. it was that easy for him to go no contact, after all ive done for him. he was a broken man when i found him and i built up his confidence. i proofread his works for publication and he won a national award. i helped him review for civil service and he passed. i taught him various things like card games, board games, interesting movies, and how to get steam. not to boast but i practically made that guy and now that gf reaps all the benefits.

i know im unattractive and boring but i wish someone would stay when ive already devoted so much to them. im always afraid of losing the few friends i have now. it's hard for me to meet people because i'm not a gamer. i'm autistic, have very bad sensory issues, and speech problems. and im afraid of getting too invested in someone or something just to fail miserably again, like my studies and work experiences. its so hard to commit to anything and my separation anxiety is through the roof lately.

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i want to be someones favorite person because thats the only thing that gives me a reason to live. everything else is fleeting, people come and go and i know i wont survive alone. im too weak to be alone, i dont have what it takes to take care of myself. so why cant i just die? im a burden and unwanted anyway. i didnt ask to exist. people are so unfair. life is so unfair.