I'm really sorry for the long post ahead.

I'm (37F) not sure if I'm really incomplete or complete or what? By definition, my life and achievements seems to paint me as a rather complete individual. I say this because I look at my life and I know I'm pretty lucky. I've got the love of my family, friends and a pretty Ok-ish job and home. I also have a really amazing and loving girlfriend (31F).

I have had some pretty interesting life experiences too when I was in my 20s. I was an alt model, partied really hard at some of really interesting places and made alot of friends the creative circles. I also have collaborated with and done some amazing projects. All in all I basically sound like I have it all but do I?

Here is the problem, I feel like I did all those things not completely for myself but to appear attractive and interesting. And all I want, I really want is to have a deep relationship with my girlfriend. All I want is her love and I hate that I'm like that. Because I can see its clearly affecting her. But I don't know if it's so wrong to just want to be so completely loved by someone.

I am quite aware self love and happiness has to come from within and despite my years of working on myself, nothing comes close to the fullness and joy I feel from being loved by a significant other. I've done the exercise for personal self development and kept myself busy with creative pursuits but it still doesn't fix this need I have. Sometimes I think these cool things I do are merely distractions or to build some kind of image that women desire. That is not to say I'm not proud of my own achievements or the fact that I've cultivated a desirable image. I mean this is very human right?

I honestly do not want want my gf to feel suffocated. I do take extra precaution to make space for her. But I'm not sure what to do with myself either. It feels like my whole self has been tied to this need for love. I don't know if this was also because of the model of parenting I grew up with. My mother was extremely strict with me growing up, she is the Asian tiger mum personified. I was a lonely, introverted lesbian as well for most of my childhood. Digressing a little, my parents have an amazingly strong and loving relationship, they did almost everything together and have been successful in their lives this way. I guess in a way I want a relationship like theirs but with a woman.

Back to my gf and myself, I don't know if it's our differing expectations of love? She checks off right in many ways from the way she is affectionate to our general goals in life. It's just that my desire to spend most of my spare time with her is in conflict for her need of space or to do other things. I'm careful to make sure she has space for her own hobbies.

There are times when she says or make plans for things that I get so hyped up over but when it doesn't fall through the way I expected it I get absolutely devastated. It makes me feel undervalued and disrespected whenever these broken promises happen. I often wonder if I'm in the wrong for wanting some semblance of consistency. There is a part of me that feels like I'm in this constant struggle to keep her attention.

I truly miss the early days of my relationship with her when she would regularly come look for me and we share these amazing intimate moments.

TLDR: My life seems complete or so it seems, yet the only thing that truly makes me happy is the love I get from my gf. And I think this need I have of her is suffocating her.