So, first off, I've been bouncing around on whether I'm trans or not for over a decade. There was a lot of "maybe it's just a kink" denial, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of "I can't be trans because I wouldn't be pretty enough". All of that dumb stuff. And some neurodiversity which complicates things.

I'm at the point where I'm talking to medical professionals and I don't think I can take it any longer and need to try HRT or I'm just going to spiral and live in this grey world the rest of my life. I'm happy to be on this journey even though I'm terrified.

I'm also feeling a bit confused but also I guess a bit validated and more secure in the idea that I'm trans because I realized recently that I disassociate during sex, regardless of the gender of the person I'm with. But I don't do that if it's sex where I'm treated like a girl and the focus isn't on my cock.

I got very into forced feminization porn as an outlet for my feelings, which colours some of this a bit and still nags at me a little that maybe this is all in my head. I thought I liked regular sex as well but I'm learning maybe I just liked the physical sensation, or focusing on pleasing my partner, but wasn't enjoying it in the way most people do.

Has anyone had stuff like this? Even before they fell down the porn rabbithole, if they did that as well?

My therapist basically said it's usually because you have gender issues, sexuality issues, or sexual trauma. I don't have the second - I know I'm pan and I have had the same dissociation with men. I have a small amount of the third but I don't think that's what's causing it. So in a weird way it's kind of affirming to realize I feel like this, and have done long before I started wondering if I was trans or looked at kink stuff.

I'm sorry for the long ramble. I just, it's all so warped in my head. But I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences. Similarly, I used to self-pleasure almost compulsively, but I recently saw videos by a therapist specialising in transness and a trans content creator saying this isn't uncommon, which is super weird to me but also I guess makes sense if you are unable tp process or feel emotions or your body the way you want to and it helps mitigate your feelings and give you a dopamine rush.

Also, I don't know if this is related or not, it's probably not, but I always had difficulty orgasming. Like it took a long time or didn't happen at all during PIV sex. But that might just be a physical quirk of my body and unrelated.

Sorry for the content, I've lurked here on and off for so long and really appreciate all of the helpful and kind things I've read from this community. I'm pretty sure I am trans, but even if I'm not a small part of me will be grateful I went through this just to see what a rad community we have.