So my dysphoria has gotten so bad, particularly with my face that i have almost completely given up. I wake up and see a man in the mirror every day, after a shower, whenever. I cant just be a girl and see it without so much work doing makeup and hair and even then its sometimes not good enough, i just wanna feel like a girl all the time, but i cant when i see this in the mirror.

I got out of the shower yesterday, planning on doing my hair and makeup, but as i glance in the mirror, i see the man again, and i stare at myself for 5 minutes just in sadness and anger thinking how much i want to kill the person i see. But obviously i cant because that's me. So it drove me to self harm and to the edge of worse, i wrote a note for my family and friends, hoping writing it would get my emotions out. It helped a little, i went to bed and woke up 18 hours later. Im afraid that wont work every time through.

Im just at a loss, i need ffs for my own health and i cant afford it and i cant save it because im practiclly disabled, with chronic migraines and severe depression, i cant work even part time. My family is poor and i just feel like i won't make it to even get this surgery because i don't know how much longer i can push these feelings away.

I just want to feel like myself and there not be a war between how i feel and what i see on a daily basis.

Im sorry for the long rant, if anyone has any suggestions, resources, or advise i welcome it. I live in IL currently but was in OR for a while. If that's matters at all.

Thanks for reading.