(TLDR at the bottom)

I'm sorry if this isn't what this subreddit is for (if it isn't, please tell me where I can post this), but I'm really confused right now so the advice from people who have gone through something similar would be amazing.

Context: I am a male and I'm thinking about transitioning from a boy to a girl and I live in UK (trans people are very well protected over here :) )

Recently (over the past couple of months), I've started to question my gender and who I am. I've been living as a secret femboy for about half a year now (dressing up in private, etc) but I've been thinking about whether I would be happier if I dressed up all the time or not.

Throughout my life I've never been uncomfortable in my body or felt that I was born as the wrong gender, and a trans friend of mine did have that experience which makes me think that I'm not trans. If I was born as the wrong gender, surely it wouldn't have taken almost 17 years to find out.

That being said, I have always been curious what it would be like to be a girl since I was young (maybe 7-8). I used to dress up in princess outfits when we would play fancy dress (that being said, I also loved wearing ones for boys as well), and I also remember (very vividly) being jealous of one of my friends who had an older sister than put makeup on him as a joke. Despite this, I never felt like being a boy was wrong, I was just curious about being a girl.

These feelings got reignited when I was 13. I had switch from straight to lesbian porn for maybe 3 months prior, but I discovered (by chance) a POV (point of view / first person) lesbian video. They turned me on a lot more than anything I had watched previously so that sought of became the only thing I watched. I also discovered that I liked hentai so I tried to find a video that had both. What I found instead was a video where the boy got transformed into a girl. This was by far the best thing I had watched, so I started to look for more and it led me to r/sissyhypno. The fact that I have watched a lot of that kind of content does contribute to my doubts about being trans, but I try to ignore it since it doesn't matter if it affected me or not, what matters is how I feel now.

About a year later I started to indulge in these desires and steal my mums underwear and try it on when she wasn't around, but I never took it much further. This was around the point that I discovered that I was bi. I also got a Vr headset around this time that allowed me to see my self as a girl and be treated as a girl which always made me really happy (I played a lot).

Things kind of stayed normal until 6 months ago when I met my boyfriend. He is (and has been) really supportive of me and how I feel and allowed me to explore this side of me with someone else in a safe space. I quickly realised that this side of me is a lot deeper than I thought and goes beyond just sexual gratification. He went through a phase of crossdressing (but decided it wasn't for him) so he could send me some of his old girly clothes that I love wearing. I also got the courage to order some more of my own and I love doing it. This is when I started living as a closeted femboy, crossdressing when I'm alone and repressing it when I'm with other people.

I then started to realise (a couple of months ago) that if being treated like a girl makes me so happy, why not do it all the time? I'd have more access to girls clothes, not have to hide how I actually feel and maybe even find a boyfriend who is closer to me (my boyfriend is long distance). But I decided not to because how I felt about my gender would vary wildly with my mood: sometimes I would want nothing more than to be girl but other times I was content being a boy.

I was starting to feel like a boy less and less until a few weeks ago, since then I've stopped feeling that way almost completely. I was shopping for new school clothes (our school has no uniform) when I had to go into the fitting room. This is the first time I had done this in years since I do most of my shopping online and I actually looked at myself in the mirror, like, properly. I had never felt dysphoria before this. I hadn't shaved in about a week so my face looked especially masculine. I realised that I don't want to look like a man, at the very least I want to look like an effeminate boy.

Since then I've been seriously questioning whether I am trans or not and if I should or shouldn't come out / do anything about it. I definitely don't want to do HRT until I have lived as a girl for a couple of years (and even then I'm not sure).

TLDR / Extra points:

Reasons I think I am trans:

I think that if no other people were around and there were no social pressures I would wear girls clothes because it makes me happier and better reflects who I am. Even if I wasn't born in the wrong body, I think I'd be happier if I was born as a girl so if I have the option to, why not wear girls clothes if it would make me happier?

Reasons why I don't think I am trans / don't want to come out:

Coming out really scares me, I'm not 100% sure why, but I feel really scared when thinking about it.

I'm worried that I'd look dumb if I cross dressed. I have a feminine body shape (especially for a guy) but I think my face is very masculine. My mum and my sister both say that I have a feminine face but I just don't agree. Sometimes I look in the mirror and try to imagine my face made up to look like a girls but I can't, I think my face is completely incompatible with being feminine. I'm worried that I won't be able to pass as a girl and that I'll look very conspicuous and out of place.

I'd also hate the first day I cross dress in school and at home because everyone would look at me weird and ask me questions and spread rumours and make fun of me and stuff. I don't think I'd ever full on cross dress in school, but even in family gatherings, or even in my immediate family, I think that people looking at me differently would be horrible.

Even if no one did make fun of me, I'd be super self conscious and embarrassed all the time because I'd be paranoid about people looking at me and knowing that I'm different. I really don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself.

I think thats kind of it. I know its a long post, but I hope that other people in a similar situation can relate a little and find this post helpful.