Being trans is hard. So fucking hard.

After four years of HRT i feel like i can be comfortable with my body for a few days at a time now, but always, without fail, the self-hatred and jealousy of cis people and internalized transphobia win out. Everything seems to trigger days-long dysphoria spirals, like seeing my reflection or using my voice or seeing or even hearing pretty cis girls online/irl. Even my favorite hobbies just feel painful now. Exercising is hard, because it makes me focus on how masculine my body looks and feels. Singing is/used to be one of my favorite things, but whenever i try i'm reminded of how low my upper octave is, and how i'll never be able to sing the high registers i yearn for. Can't be active in kink spaces because people treat me like an exotic animal, exclude me from female/lesbian spaces, and casually call me slurs they hear in porn. Video games are a crapshoot - i can't count the number of times i'll get into one only for a blatantly transphobic caricature to show up, and for the usual bigots to rabidly defend it online.

And that's not even to mention all the societal and interpersonal problems we face, like safety, difficulty connecting to people and making friends, dating feeling virtually impossible, and so on.

i dont know. i've been in therapy for a while now, and while it's been good in some ways, i don't really feel like i'm making progress. Some techniques like grounding help to stop myself from spiraling, but i don't feel like any of the underlying problems that come from being trans can really be "fixed". i have a few trans friends who actively love and enjoy being trans, and though i've tried to see their perspective, i just can't understand or relate to it at all.

i guess this post is three things. Half a vent, half seeing if other people feel this way too, and half looking for advice from y'all awesome folk in the community. (The extra half is because you're such a great customer :) )

What strategies do y'all use to manage your dysphoria or even lessen it completely? How do you keep enjoying the things you love even when they cause you pain? How do you stay positive and stop hating yourself so much? What's keeping you going in spite of all the hardships we face?

Sorry for being so negative, and thanks for taking the time to read and reply.