I am mtf and have been transitioning on hormones now for 4 years and living full time for around 2. As a short background of how my egg cracked I've been involved in cosplaying since I was a teen, often cross-playing female characters and follow many cosplayers online. I found over time I gravitated and felt jealous towards male cosplayers who have very feminine features, make very convincing girls (Sneaky for example) and even with just some basic makeup can look like androgynous pretty elf-like people. I really wished that I looked feminine, that people would see me as a either a girl or an extremely girly looking boy. Also I wished that socially I wasn't treated like a typical male, and more like a female or as a softer boy. So this all lead me down a long path of trying to change to look more feminine, the more I did the happier and more content I felt and the more I realised that what I had been feeling before was dysphoria. Alot of counselling and self exploration later, I realised I was trans and began transitioning and have never felt happier.

I hadn't cosplayed for a few years, but recently started up again and looking online for inspiration it clicked with me how I felt when I first started on this journey, which I had actually forgotten about. Even now that I've transitioned and am living as a girl I'm still fixated on this aesthetic of these ethereal pretty looking dudes and a part of me still wants to be that. Maybe that means I'm slightly non-binary? I feel cutting my hair a bit more shorter and andro, and with all the changes I have had on HRT (except boobs) I could really achieve this, but then again I am unsure what I want or who I am. I know there are many things about being a girl that have made me happy e.g:

- My new name (Alyssa) just sounds so perfectly right to me

- Being referred to as "he" feels really jarring at times

- I LOVE my boobs

- Being the (subby) girlfriend in my relationship has made me feel so content. Being treated like a girl by my partner feels right, and has made me realize how unsatisfied I felt being the boyfriend role in previous relationships.

- Behaving naturally comes with less questioning and resistance as it did before. Although I wore makeup and liked a lot of cutesy clothing and things (stuffies, pastel colours, bows, lolita fashion) as a guy, as a girl its just normal instead of weird.

Even so, I feel a lot of sadness that I'm also not a cute pretty flower boy like what I originally longed for. Anyway that's just getting my feelings out of my head, thanks for listening.

Alyssa