TW: Depression, gender, cis-heteronormativity, children, fertility, family

Hi all,

I just needed to throw some thoughts on paper in an accepting space. My background: I’m 31 years old, work in the engineering field, trans girl with a fluid sometimes femme-boy presentation (maybe demi-girl?), monogmomous and in a relationship with a MtF partner. I don’t really have many queer friends or have much involvement in the queer community so I’m reaching out on here. So it is probably a combination of my age and work demographic, as well as the time of year, but I have been feeling really down and out of place lately. A lot of the time it feels like I’m completely isolated and surrounded by people living in cis-heteronormative nuclear family bubbles. Most of my friends/family have gotten married and are having multiple children. My work colleagues are the same. As I mentioned I don’t have many queer friends and don’t know any who are in long term relationships or have gotten married, and I’m the only openly queer person at work and within my family.

It feels like everyday I’m just bombarded by people talking about a common lifestyle that I am remote to and will probably never get to experience. Conversations, particularly among cis women my age, tend to pregnancy and having babies (and straight to what gender is it? And even worse, plans for their gender reveal party), children, sometimes wedding plans, reality TV shows….really that’s like 90% of conversations. Being the warmer season there have been a few recent weddings I have attended, once again same conversations ensue as well as language that assumes cis-heteronormative gender roles throughout the ceremony, reception, speeches and general conversations. I’m also a bit anxious about Xmas coming up as I’m going to be surrounded by extended family and their kids and having the same talks. My partner isn’t completely out to their family and so won’t be spending Xmas together.

I feel like a complete alien within the world that I live. It would very difficult for me to ever have children and since transitioning I will never have the sort of life like the majority of people around me. I would never change the life that I have, transitioning was a very positive choice for me and has alleviated a lot of my dysphoria. I’m not even 100% sure I want children, I didn’t when I started transitioning but there may be a bit of a FOMO thing going on 😕 At the same time it feels like dysphoria has been replaced with a consistent feeling of isolation, depression and anxiety from not being able to relate to people as well as dread due to not being able to envision a future for myself within this framework. I guess part of the problem is I don’t have close examples around me of people who are queer or living in alternative relationships who have gone on to live fulfilled lives. BTW I am getting regular counselling but my psyc is cis, hetero, married and has children so she goes a bit blank when I try to talk about this.

I was wondering if anyone can share experiences, whether people have had similar feelings and found ways to cope with them?