Hi all, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read through my experience to lend support, relate experiences, or otherwise tell me the hard truths I need to except.

I've looked into a lot of similar posts about the topic of low libido on HRT, but haven't found one that related to my particular situation given the rather niche kinks I am into. Most talk about how they are more happy they don't have such a strong sex drive and part of me also enjoys the more conscious effort that goes into it, but I find my lack of interest in lifelong kinks a rather concerning compromise.

You see, before I started HRT 7 months ago, I used to wear chastity cages for my girlfriend for expended period of times. While I disliked my male driven sex drive nagging me to orgasm every 1-2 days and the shame of actually keeping up that kind of schedule, I really enjoyed experiencing sexual frustration at being teased and denied the ability to feed that craving for weeks on end while pleasing my girlfriend on demand. Just all around good consensual fun for a submissive like me.

While I read that HRT was going to drastically lower and alter my libido, I was not prepared for how lackluster it would turn out to be and can't say I am enjoying the trade off. Kinks and fetishes that used to drive me wild with excitement are now just a distant memory. I have to actively and consciously act interested in sexually charged moments unless I want to appear bored and non responsive to touch. I can't get an erection to save my life and no amount of build up seems to change that, leaving me and my girlfriend rather disappointed in the bedroom.

Thankfully neither of us want me to perform penetrative sex, but it would be nice if my body responded with pleasure from being touched like it used to. She is really understanding and supportive of my choice to take HRT, but has expressed disappointment that I just don't seem into our kinks anymore. If I told her I was essentially acting horny when she tries to make me orgasm, it would probably upset her even more.

Besides this issue, I am not experiencing this moment of mental clarity that other woman have when they transition where my mental health problems helped align themselves. I'm still in a highly functional depression state of mind like before, and this problem is making it worse. I am pretty sure I need actual depression medication to help this problem, but I haven't found the right doctor/medicine/dosage yet. I don't even get this body high other woman experience when having an orgasm until the last ten seconds. It's like my difficulty to orgasm has increased tenfold while my pleasure window is limited to the final few moments. The only real difference is my lack of shame when having one, but they're almost identical to when I used to be off HRT.

I am definitely a girl, and I have wanted to be perceived as a girl for as long as I can remember. I hate being perceived as a man, and developing breasts will help me achieve my ideal body form. My gut thinking is telling me to take HRT for as long as necessary to develop breasts and then ween off of it, but most stories I read about that subject say that it could take 3-5 years for them to fully develop. That's a long time for me to not enjoy having an orgasm during the part of my life when I am really coming into stride within the kink community where I live.

I feel pretty isolated and lost on this subject. I want breasts, but I miss being ravenously horny, interested in kinks and fetishes, and finding enjoyment in achieving an orgasm. I've read that my libido could come back later, but I doubt it will be the same again, even if I stop HRT. The concept of achieving pleasurable horniness seems like a forgone cost to achieving what I want when having breasts is more for external validation that internal to me, I don't need them to know who I am. I traded what makes sex enjoyable for something to attract people I desire to have sex with.

I think I've lost the plot.