Sometimes I think I’m trans; sometimes I dont know.

Im not sure what to make of these feelings because I understand them as either sexual desire, gender envy, or a confusing blend of the two.

When I perceive my body, I wish that it were otherwise. I wish it felt and was read more feminine. I wish I felt like I could belong in women’s spaces.

But, when I think of this, there’s what feels like an erotic charge to it all, which makes me feel like perhaps this is a variety of fetish.

When I see an attractive woman, I feel a kind of angst but it could be desire to look like her or be with her.

I dont know how to resolve these feelings and without a firmer sense of what it’s about I feel doomed to indecision.

Ill try to make some efforts at gender exploration—try women’s clothing, makeup, hrt but I quickly feel discouraged. Again, I dont know what to make of the discouragement. Am I discouraged because I ultimately don’t want to be feminine or am I discouraged because I look myself with the eyes of others.

Mostly venting but also looking to chat.