Let me start off this post with much needed context. Firstly, I'm neurodivergence (ADHD specifically) I'm a perfectionist, deeply insecure and a chronic overthinker. I crave certainly less I be consumed by my anxiety.

I am AMAB, just to clarify.

Am I trans?

I've always gotten one two answers no matter who I go to for a second opinion. "Only you can decide that." And "I haven't personally gone through that." Basically both are non-answers, and I'm known for being in my own head about everything.

My transgender friends said they could feel their "trans" radar going off around me. For as long as I can remember, I struggled to talk to girls. I internalized it as being "ugly" (I'm above average honestly), then it was poor self esteem which I deflected on my mom's bad parenting. But when they proposed it to me... It felt like it made sense.

I have only sisters, I grew up around women, my mother, my grandmother. My dad was distance , not absent but distant. So, I lacked a reliable male role model for most of my life.

My mom always wished I was a girl, she kind of treated me like one. When I was younger she grew out my hair and did it up. I've spent just as much time in salons as I have barber shops. She always said I had a cute butt, and if I was a girl I'd be so pretty cause of how thick my hair was.

When I was younger... I was a brony, my little sisters liked MLP, so I was forced to watch it cause we only had one TV. But I actually liked it, of course I would rather die than have admitted that to anybody. So, it was a secret interest of mine...even when I wasn't babysitting (I'm the oldest) I still watched it on my own when nobody was around.

After that... I got into roleplaying (I'm chronically inside) the thing is. I slowly got into the habit of playing girl characters instead of men. I did have male characters, but I found people were more receptive to my female characters. Before I knew it, that's the only character I was comfortable with playing. Eventually, I started presenting as a woman online, multiple female personalities actually. Most people actually know me as a woman, and not a man... Only to my discord friend group did I ever reveal I was actually a guy. After that I eventually started mixing together men and woman, and playing intersex characters. Lady on the outside, men on the inside. Now that I've typed that out... That's how I felt for the longest time.

Eventually I made my first trans character... Tbh, I was worried I was worried about offending someone but the character was well received? Honestly, everybody else was more out of pocket than I was... 😭

To hammer it in... I've also had a big trans fetish in my younger years. I had a homophobic phase, when I was first exposed to porn. But I justified it in saying "well, they're not men right? They're in betweens" (Mind you I was young, I didn't know anything about trans people at the time.) So, by the time I was an adult I had a serious dickgirl kink. I had a "heteroflexible" phase before I just came out as bisexual and admitted that I was kinda gay. (I don't wanna argue about whether or not liking trans women is gay, I don't really care.)

I've always been a tad feminine, liking girly clothes, makeup, wearing my mom's wigs...

Now... That I've given all the possible reasons why I might be trans. Let me give you every reason why I think I'm not.

Body Dysphoria - I've seen this in almost every trans girl post I've ever read. I can't fathom this... As an AMAB I don't loathe my genitals, I don't hate wearing masculine clothes. I don't look in the mirror and want to peel my skin off. Although, admittedly I find myself envying pretty women. I can't really tell if this is sexual attraction, or intimidation, perhaps both.

What I do hate is idea of a "man" in our culture. Being given more responsibility cause of my body. Being expected to take charge all the time. But I thought that was just my personality...

I don't like my trans voice cause it sounds well...it sounds like a "gay voice" and it doesn't sound like me, or not the me I want. The idea of wearing feminine clothes doesn't excite me, it scares me, I'm worried about being judged, but worse of all I'm worried it's not who I am and I just look stupid.

I tried to imagine myself transitioning, and that gave me dysmorphia. A body with a VAGINA isn't my body. This was the biggest turn off from my transition. My friends told me it's perfectly normal to not want bottom surgery, but if my mind was so vehemently opposed to it. How could I even be trans in the first place? I LIKE having a dick, I know that's probably a crime here but... 💀

Anyways, I just talked to someone I "dated" in the past as a woman. (We're cool, I told them everything.) But fuck it made me nostalgic about being a woman again, I was more confident, I was at peace. Which has me questioning my entire decision to be non-binary. I don't know who I am anymore...

What am I?...

(SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS POST, BUT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.)