Hi all! 32 y/o AMAB here, in the last few weeks I've finally come to accept the idea that I'm trans after spending my entire life going through the typical egg denial: thinking that I was just fantasizing and wishing to be a woman in a totally cis way, compartmentalizing feelings and convincing myself it was just a kink thing, researching transitioning and the effects of HRT in depth "just out of curiosity", etc. But since I've finally accepted my transness I've found myself with a lot of conflicting feelings.

At first I felt pretty euphoric, it was like all these pieces of my life that I never understood were falling into place, I was looking at my past experiences and feelings and identifying gender dysphoria left and right, it felt like I finally had a path forward to deal with some of the feelings of dissatisfaction and general lack of self-love that I've struggled with for years. But after a bit those feelings started being replaced with doubts and fears: about whether or not I'm really trans, about whether or not I could ever even pass, about whether I'd even *like* being a woman, etc. And after a few days of that I find myself just feeling kind of...indifferent to the entire idea of transitioning, like the amount of effort and struggle and complexity that it would add into my life feels like it wouldn't be worth it.

So now I find myself wondering if maybe the fact that I only feel like I have any interest in transitioning or being a woman *sometimes* might mean that I'm not a trans woman, but maybe something more like nonbinary or gender fluid? Like maybe I enjoy being seen as a man and presenting masculine sometimes, but other times I yearn for femininity? My current thinking is that getting on HRT will sort some of these feelings out: either it'll feel good and right and I'll feel more confidence in my being trans; or it'll feel wrong and dysphoric and will be a confirmation that maybe I'm *not* trans, or at least not transfem. But what if it doesn't feel like anything at all? Is HRT even a good idea to pursue if I'm not 100% sure it's what I want?