So, I think I'm MtF trans when I'm honest with myself, but it's incredibly difficult due to fear and anxiety. I've tried to overthink my entire childhood and behaviors up until now; I've tried to deny it and think it's just a weird phase or sexual fetish; I've tried to talk myself out of it for a hundred different reasons and fear of transitioning. But, in the end, I never stop having this endless monologue on my head that I would be much happier if I could just look, act, and feel feminine. The male parts and forced masculine expression feel harsh and tedious. I generally get along with other women much easier and don't feel out of place in that setting until someone says something that calls out my "maleness" and then I'm shoved back into reality and remember what I look like. My physical existence is incongruous with my emotional experience, and it feels absolutely horrible when I stop to think about it.

I'm not at all saying that I should never have the feelings I do as a male, but it does not feel like me when I look in the mirror. It's like I'm looking at some random person, but not myself. There are an infinite number of outward presenting male appearances, but I have never yet seen one that I could see myself in. However, there are a number of women who I would love to be, or some combination of them. It feels more genuine, whether it's how I want to be and act sitting at home alone watching a movie, or being intimately close with someone else. That person is always the same, but terrified that the world doesn't want me to exist and be alive. So, I keep staying a generic dude who can barely wake up everyday and whose reality feels fleeting and ephemeral. I talk to my therapist every week, try to convince myself I'll get over this, and talk myself off a ledge every other god damn day. Is just existing this hard for everyone? Or am I missing something inextricably human that I can't experience in my current state?

I really hope that this isn't the way most other people feel, but I have no idea. I want to exist and be happy. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want anyone else to necessarily care about my existence, and I don't want to impede anyone else's, either. I want to want to live.