I will try to be brief. I'm 46 and have had feelings of dysphoria since at least early childhood. Coming from a conservative part of Middle America, I did a lot in my early years to suppress this and almost killed myself first with heroin addiction and then alcoholism. About 15 years ago, I started seeing therapists about substance abuse and my gender/sexual confusion and eventually got clean (12 years) and found a place where I felt comfortable. I started shaving my body, grew my hair out, and began mixing mail and female clothes to get an androgynous look. I'd go through times where I really leaned hard towards the femme side and then would have some (briefer) periods where I didn't care if I presented as more masculine, though I never cut my hair short or stopped shaving my body. I dated men, trans, and women, and finally now have been with a nice woman who gets where I come from, calls me her "pretty boy," etc. We are happy together. She could care less that I wear panties, sometimes paint my toenails, have a belly-button ring, am pansexual, etc.

With all of that said, sometimes I have periods where I really come back to seriously considering transitioning, but eventually it fades and I go back to my comfortable place. For the past six months or so, this feeling that maybe my comfortable spot is not good enough has been more persistent and doesn't seem to be fading like usual. Maybe this is because we are talking of moving in together, and I'm just scared of commitment. I'm not sure. So, here I am, posting here after reading on and off for a long time.

My questions are these: do others have experiences like mine in terms of oscillating back and forth between the poles, and most of the time settling somewhere in the middle? Was anyone like me for much of their life and decided to transition? Any advice on things to reflect upon in considering this?

Thank you so much in taking the time to read this and for any input you may have.