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I have a coworker who is struggling with the basic functions of our office job. During her first week, she told me she has unmedicated hyperactive ADHD, anxiety and a learning disability. It’s so severe that I would have quickly suspected anyways. She's not productive half the time. I like helping coworkers but because I’m helping her so much, my productivity is slower too.
I don’t think she ever told our manager about it either because she is underestimating the severity, worried about discrimination or both. Managers and coworkers haven’t noticed much because they don’t work with her as closely and I ensure the work gets done.
I do understand that someone with ADHD would not want to disclose it because they’re worried about discrimination and she wants a promotion badly. She’s quite upset that she didn’t get a promotion 4 months into her new career field so there’s some delusion on her part. That job she wants is much harder and her new coworkers may not be as patient as me.
Additionally, our employer offers access to confidential therapists and pays for it. These therapists specialize in just about anything including ADHD. However my coworker pretty much verbally confirmed the other day that she doesn’t use this service. It’s frustrating because she would unload her stress, anxiety and distractions onto me during work until I started enforcing boundaries.
I have a promotion in the works (not the one she’s interested in) so she will be someone else’s problem eventually but I think I should still tell her to seek accommodations from the manager. How would I professionally word it? Obviously I wouldn’t mention her ADHD directly.
I'm a person with ADHD and an immigrant and person of color. I have not only my disability but also prejudice towards my ethnicity. My family was also abusive. I have struggled with feeling inadequate, stupid, and I'll never belong with anyone. I have failed classes and lost jobs in the past.
I'm in my 40s and I spent the last 20 years getting help. And learning how to navigate life and overcome and self acceptance. It's a long journey but possible.
Having compassion is important but it's possible to have compassion while holding the other person responsible and accountable. Compared to when I was in my 20s these days there is much more awareness and adhd is covered by ADA. It's the employers job to provide accommodations. Aka your boss' responsibility (not yours).
Unless your coworker speaks up, it won't help her. She needs to learn self advocacy. Are there adhd support groups where she can ask and learn about advocating for herself? She has to figure out how to work with the boss with her struggles and accommodations. And there are resources available. They helped me. There's CHADD.
I know it's hard to draw boundaries while being compassionate. But in your situation the concern is
1, your coworker affecting your job and your boss wondering why you are not productive and it affecting you. You do not want to be written.
2, enabling rather than helping your coworker. Your coworker needs to be responsible for her part. That's entirely on her. If she doesn't become proactive in finding resources and support to help her, it's really on her. You can share resources and encourage her to seek help. But it's not on you! Don't try to do that. You're not helping her if you are taking on something you are not trained or equipped.
If I was a manager, I'd be frustrated or wondering why I was not told what was going on. It's a managers job to help and develop employees. Your boss is paid to help your coworker and it's your boss' job not yours.
Another persons journey is theirs. You cannot fight another person's battle.
Td;lr
I have adhd Undiagnosed till middle age.
She is NOT your responsibility. You can either: - set the boundaries and leave it. Do nothing - or talk to manager or hr and then leave it to them (see below)
Don't feel guilty for the first option. You are only responsible for yourself. You can be helpful, kind while holding your coworker responsible.
As a person with undiagnosed inattentive ADHD and health issues and didn't get a correct diagnosis till my late 30s, i will tell you this:
Your coworker is NOT your responsibility. Set firm boundaries and encourage her to seek accommodations and assistance. And end of it.
It's on her to take advantage of assistance. She may have other personal issues but that's her personal business. She needs to take responsibility. Set boundaries because you don't want to get into it. You are not her therapist.
She should be seeing a therapist and psychiatrist or a professional in finding ways to manage her ADHD.
A person with ADHD needs boundaries and accountability. You can help while holding her accountable.
I don't think you should do anything but if you want to, you could:
- bring it up to management without disclosing ADHD. You could mention, "From what I've noticed she seems to be struggling with something and I'm not not sure what it is. She may need help but not sure how to ask. And I'm not sure what to do."
Or maybe skip management and talk to HR so that HR could talk to her about how they can support her. HR could keep it confidential and work with management.
Either way it needs to be out of your hands.
I'm curious to know what others think.
Here's some insight into adult adhd:
As for adhd, when I was younger I masked it very well. Adhd wasn't understood well in my days. I got misdiagnosed with depression. No matter what I wasn't myself. I was productive and a good employee.
Then I burned out. All that masking did that. I finally got diagnosed but it's hard to recognize symptoms when you are unfamiliar. Memory issues were one. And you aren't aware of it until something bad happens from that. That scared me. This prompted me to take time off work and get treated. A good psychiatrist helped me recognize and treat it. I'm also seeing a therapist. While your coworker may be underestimating herself, it's really her responsibility to become aware and understand her adhd and work with it while seeking resources. There are tons of resources.
Asking for work accommodations scares me. But there are plenty of resources out there addressing that such as what accommodations can you ask for? And how to advocate. Two are CHAAD and ADDitude.
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Beyond adhd, it all depends on the individual. She seems like a shitty person. Remember you are not responsible for how she feels or acts. It's on her. Let her deal with her shit all by herself.
As long as you're doing what you need to do and getting better at your job, that's all that matters. Also focus on building positive work relationships with other coworkers and supervisors. Ignore her and be friendly with her.
OK this gives a better idea. Gotta love work politics. Not. In that case talking to manager won't help unless she really fucks up. You don't want to be seen as the difficult person or perceived as having an issue with her.