Before I came out, I tried my best to be there for my brother and his wife. I'm talking driving through a blizzard so I could be there on their birthdays, you know things family should do. I became very close to his wife back when they were dating and started caring for her as my sister. Although, they were always putting me down, but that's how it had always been so I didn't mind.

They had a kid and since we were all Catholic, they asked me and his wife's sister to be the godparents. At the time, I was still figuring out my sexuality so I considered saying no. I was also never too religious and they knew that so I assumed that if they were asking me was more because they loved me rather than pure religious reasons.

A year later, I came out. My major worry were my parents who didn't reacted very well but I always thought that my brother was gonna have my back. I texted him saying that I might be bi (I'm gay but at the time that made sense). He said I was always going to be his brother but that it was a different thing about their kid. That he and his wife had the responsibility to raise her according to what they thought it was better for her. And that I had to understand the decisions they were going to make when the time came, the same way I was making my decision then. He then talked about me being at a higher risk for HIV and about how I should be ready for most people to not be okay with it.

I didn't think that was a terrible reaction, it was better than my parents. Eventually my parents came around, and we all got invited to my niece's first birthday. I went thinking it was all fine, but neither him nor his wife talked to me nor looked me in the eye. My parents told me that she was upset because I had lied during the baptism and that it was against Catholic religion, something about being gays being perverts and that they should take me out of college and take me home. She had a close cousin that was gay so I always assumed she was fine with it...

It's been about 4 years since then, now we live in different states but I've visited them a couple of times with my parents. Both times, we've barely said a word to each other. I always send presents for my brother's and nieces birthday. This year, he send me something for my birthday but I don't think he would have if I hadn't sent him something for his first. His wife has mentioned to my parents that she's willing to forgive me if I ask for forgiveness. Her dad past away a year ago and I called her to give her support but she talked to me as if I was stranger.

I don't know what to do about this situation. They were the people I admired and the ones I trusted the most. When I came out, I was heart broken. And when I see them I feel so insignificant and so afraid. I love who I am but when I see them I just want the earth to swallow me. I get nightmares of them rejecting me and it takes me a couple of weeks to get back to normal.

Should I be trying harder, and if so how?, to get it back to how it was, or should I just give up on it? I'm emotionally exhausted so I want to give up on it and leave it up to them, but I also want to be a part of my nieces my life who's becoming the most amazing kid.