I can't stop crying and I can't believe it’s been over a month and a half. I'm so fucked up right now I can't even call it what it is. All I can say it that it’s over. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense I'm sobbing while writing this, fuck even doing a throwaway. This is going to be long and no one will probably read this.

Let me just explain where I am now. I am 22 years old, got out college in May, living in parents’ home (Northeast US) with on and off jobs and don’t own a car (keep that in mind). Yes, I am gay and yes parents don't know/can't know. Nick is 21 and lives in the mid-west

Sorry this is a novel, but I just need to talk to someone

Our Amazing Relationship Story

We were together for 2 years and have known each other for 3.5 years. It has felt like a life time, hell I even remembered the day he graduated from high school.

Summer 2013: We met in the summer of 2013 at Cedar Point. It was amazing. It wasn't until I left in August to study abroad for the fall semester in W. Africa that we told each other that we liked one another. We both were really shy about our feelings at first, especially me. Throughout the terrible internet/power connection we talked either via FB messenger, phone, and skype nearly single day I was there. We had been writing journals to each other throughout my whole time there. We had our own private blog where we could write to each other in length. We were each other’s best friends and had only physically met up once. I counted down the days until I got home for winter break.

This being a gay relationship, ours was complex and secretive like most. My home is in the New England area and I went to school in the mid-west at a university near a large city, so lots of traveling back and forth when on break. Nick, lived near where I went to school, in the mid-west where being gay isn't widely tolerated and it wasn't by his parents either (they knew about him being gay though).

Spring Semester 2014: We defied the odds and frequently met up with each other. We would watch Netflix (mostly bobs burgers/adventure time), play video games, eat pizza, talk and do other things too haha. At this point I was still pretty shut off to him emotionally/being really open to him about my feelings and past. I was verbally, mentally abused growing up by my parents and family and lost a close friend when I was a pre-teen. Thus, it takes me a long time to open up to someone. I also was a pretty big douche at times when we disagreed with something, shades of my father sadly, but luckily Nick stuck with me. This is also when Nick told me he loved me and I told him the same. It was big for us.

Summer-Winter 2014: Nick lived at home during the summer and I lived off campus to spend more time with him in the mid-west. At this point we really got closer and shared everything that we wanted for our future. We both had this fascination with living in New Zealand, primary because the beauty of it and Lord of the Rings is the shit. We talked about post-college, getting married, kids, even our finances... everything we wanted in life. Marriage was a given. He even told me not to worry about his parents, Nick said I was more important than them and him coming from a tight Latin American family that meant a lot.

Spring Semester 2015 (Graduation): Nick transferred from a local college to a Christian school 4 hours away :.( Reason being his parents offered to pay for it versus a public school. They did not say it explicitly but it was obvious what they were thinking, like ‘Maybe this will fix him.’ This was also the busiest time in my life trying to finish college and having no time to breathe. We almost broke up at the end of the semester. It was that wake-up call I needed. I was really mean at times to him about his family’s religion, at the time I didn’t really believe anything. Overall, I just interjected negative things randomly that just weren’t nice. Since we were apart he didn’t realize that my thoughts on religion had changed. Nick also gets very nervous/anxious/pessimistic about the future of us and it’s always taken a lot to be like “Nick, I love you I promise we will make it through this” and we ALWAYS did every time.

Summer 2015: I graduated and moved home east. Nick is at home in the Midwest. A 6 hour drive separates. We met up two times this summer both where I lived and it was fucking incredible. On our second trip our AirBnb host even told us we were going to get married, we were still set on it. In hindsight I should have never moved back home, the long distance relationship defiantly played a big role in what happened (fuck me).

Fall 2015 (the ending): Nick is back at college, a 9 hour drive from my house (remember I don't own a car). His birthday is late September and we were still madly in love. Two weeks later I barley can get a text out of him and I know something up. He said we needed to talk and we did that weekend and I knew it was coming and couldn’t handle it. He called me after work, I found a quiet place in a nature reserve where I was alone. Over the phone, Nick told me that he just didn’t feel it anymore and he didn’t see it working out in the future. He said he had been questioning our future for sometime. I sat there, in the most beautiful fall rainbow colored forest and just laid down on the leaves, sobbing uncontrollably. I just lost my closest friend, boyfriend, and future husband all in one day. Fuck, I even wanted his last name.

Post-Relationship

Two weeks after it ended, I took a bus out to his college and stayed two days so we could talk about everything because I thought ending it over the phone was just not right. As we sat in the hotel room, I asked every question you could think of about 'why this is happening' and even the ones you don't wanna ask like... "Is there someone else" -no, there isn't (and yes I trust him). Nick said that he was battling wit these thoughts for a while and asked his brother and friends and they really didn't offer any advice besides 'just think about it.' They all knew me and that he was crazy about me.

When he was dropping me off at the bus station, we sat in the poring rain just sobbing and holding each other. We told one another that we loved each other and then I only had like 5min left before the bus left so I gave him what was supposed to be his xmas gift - it was a necklace that says 'I'm with you.' I then asked him if there is any chance in the future for us and he said 'i don't know' in a really sincere way and we headed in opposite directions. I sat there watching him walk away just feeling totally ripped apart. I was the last person on the bus and tear were just streaming down my face. I just lost the love of my life.

Final thoughts  

To me it felt like he had forgotten all that we had, fuck we planned on getting married and kids and a whole life together. If anything taking a break seems appropriate since long distances are hard. But now it seems like from his perspective our relationship was a year ago. When in reality it was days ago considering how long we were together and how passionate we were.

We really grew up and matured together and it was always like 'us against the world'. We were gay, in a long distant relationship, both anti-friendly parents, and struggled to always find alone time. I could go on and on. We both became better people because of each other. Nick just really struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He has 2.5 more years of college and I am jobless with 90k of debt. So yeah the odds blow. I take for grated we text everyday, but of course its not the same.

I just don't understand it. I also don't understand his reasoning. That weekend he said to me again that he would die for me, just like that, not even a hesitation. I would too of course. But I just don't understand if you can love someone that much how can you not want to be with them even if it's hard. We even wanted to die together. Yeah I get I'm being selfish about all of this, of course I want him back. There is only a few things from his side I understand...

The reasons we aren't together in my head: long distance complexity of our relationship/being in a gay relationship

Nicks reasons: not feeling it anymore pessimistic about the future

This sounds crazy as fuck, but I really love him and will do anything to have him back and try for a new begging, over time of course. I'm seriously considering moving to a city very close to him for a possible job since he has 2.5 years left in college. Yes it sounds naive, but I can't see my life without him and I can't lose him. I'd talk with him prior to doing this.

Me Right now  

Since the ending of us, I've hit rock bottom. For the past month and a half I cry constantly, everything reminds me of him. This honestly feels worse than from when I lost my close childhood friend. I'm so embarrassed by all of this that I've only told my one best friend (who's not gay). I take over the counter sleeping pills, none of them put me to sleep and I usually stay up till 2am wake up at 8am then fall back asleep till 2pm. Being asleep is the best because I can't think about it. I've had more migraines in the past month than I ever did through the 4 years of college. I've lost my whole future. Today I finally broke down and decided to write this all out.

I'm just looking for someone to talk to, maybe someone who has felt the same or has been through this. I'm just so sad all the time and feel so alone