When I was 10 l was raped by my hockey coach. I still play but not at the same rink. When it happened I didn't really understand but as I got older it's been weighing on my shoulders.

I've dated a few girls in the past and l've been sexually active with them (though it's never been consensual) but I never had a problem being with girls it didn't bother me and I enjoyed it i guess. Now Im with my first boyfriend and I'm only recently out(I don't even have a label for it yet). When we have time and we are intimate sometimes I'm totally fine and I'm really into it and I'm happy and other times I cry, and shake and I can't kiss him or even hold his hand and I want to disappear because I can't stand the thought of him looking at me like that. Ive told him what happened to me and he is very supportive and understanding but I just can't help but feel so pathetic and gross, I feel like he might leave me cuz he thinks I'm "broken" even though I know that's not true because I love him and I know that he loves me too.

I guess what I'm saying is does anyone else have similar relationships with sex after what happened? And how should I go around getting use to being intimate again? I know this might not be the right place to ask but I thought l'd give it a shot

Also I'm 20m he's 23m, and we work, live and go to university together if that means anything