I like to jack off to photos and videos of attractive guys I hate (former friends, exes, etc.) after I cut them out of my life permanently. Sometimes, they're guys I've been friends with long-distance. Sometimes, they're exes. Sometimes, they abused me. They're a wide variety of guys I no longer speak to, and I knew them in various capacities in my life.

How to describe it: (I'm also trying to experiment sexually; I'm pansexual and my bf is bi).

Am I sadistic? Possibly a masturbatory sadomasochist? Where I torture myself by jacking off to them because I get off to the thought of them coming back into my life and begging to have sex with me or marry me, and them actually treating me properly and with respect the second time around.

I suppose it's simply a kink or fetish. It's sexual only. I don't actually want to talk to them again. It's simply the imagining and sexual fantasy that comes with fantasizing about them coming back to me, while I happen to be jacking off, every single time. And I'm in a happy relationship (I've brought it up to my boyfriend; we're still together and he likes that kink, but he said he's got no kinks or fetishes and that he's open to experimenting sexually with me, because I'm the first guy he's ever dated and he's trying to find himself sexually).

Fetishes/anal that we're exploring:

One fetish my boyfriend is supportive of experimenting with, are my 2 favorite fetishes: socks and feet. I brought up trying raceplay - he hates raceplay (I'm black and a vers top and he's a white vers top who wants to bottom for me, so we're still trying to compromise to find what fetishes he and I both agree to try, that aren't crossing the line for him. That's the tough part.). I even tried bringing up edging - he loves me edging him or him edging me. He also says he wants me to rim him; however, I wanted him to rim me, which makes him switch the subject to discuss me rimming him (which crosses the line for me; I'd only do it specifically to appease him). The best part, for me, is he's also open to letting me top him and doing penetration!