I came to a realization recently. I keep learning more about myself. I am not an attractive guy whatsoever, I’m chubby and even tho I’ve been a lighter size and gone to the gym before , then no one even looked my way either. I was so devastated this. It broke me and literally ruined my life, all this rejection. I turned to porn and to paying guys. Still felt hollow and empty and like the ugliest creature on earth. But lately as I get older, I realize I don’t want the sex, even tho it looks glamorous and pleasurable on those porn videos and the only fans creators videos, it’s a lot of work for a few secs of reward. Like all that just for a guy to pump and go? I would very much suck a guy and service him, but I’d like to know I’m one of the few or like it’s worth it, if that makes sense ? What’s the point if he’ll get another guy the next day and do the same thing all over again but with a new skin? Then I realized it’s not the sex, it’s the being wanted. I want to be wanted as much as I want these guys I see everywhere. It’s a “me” problem. I am not attractive and crave being attractive like everyone else on social media these days. But then I think about the sex and the im like , damn that’s boring , to put all that effort for a few mins or hours of pleasure for just a guy to dump you and go to another. Very few guys stay with the same person.

So I want to learn how to not care if these guys are into me or not, because it’s not worth it anyway. But I still care a lot in my core and idk why, when I know it’s not something good.

Any thoughts?