I’ve struggled with avoidant attachment and using men for sex, which stems from years of abusing Grindr in my early 20s. I used to think I was polyamorous, but when that didn’t work, I believed hookups would be my life. Eventually, that stopped working too, and now I’m trying to commit to monogamy—but it’s hard.

I have a hard time committing to, establishing, and maintaining relationships. I often stop caring or texting after sex, only to return when I’m horny, repeating the same cycle. I’ve tried being openly polyamorous, into FWB-only relationships, and monogamous, but I always avoid deeper connection after getting what I want.

I’ve learned in therapy that I was overly coddled and loved growing up, which makes me feel annoyed and uncomfortable when someone expresses love or vulnerability now. Being the oldest sibling also made me fiercely independent, so I struggle with codependency. I take what I want—sex—and then avoid the emotional part until I need sex again. I also get bored of partners over time and find it hard to care for them beyond the physical.

Therapy and a sex addiction program have helped a lot. I’m no longer addicted to Grindr or anonymous sex, but I still find it difficult to build healthy, meaningful connections. I truly want to stop seeing men as just sex objects and learn how to love and care for someone.

TL;DR: I struggle with avoidant attachment and using men for sex due to years of Grindr use and issues with vulnerability. Therapy and a sex addiction program have helped, but I still avoid connection after sex. Overly loving parents and valuing independence have made love and codependency hard for me. I want advice from gay men who’ve overcome this to build healthy, monogamous relationships.