Hey everyone, (I'm gonna sound like such an AH).

I've been mentally struggling for a long long time with loneliness, depression, suspected adhd and bpd. I've been trying to get into the dating scene because of my loneliness.

Number 1: I had a talking stage at the start of the year with someone I wasn't physically attracted to, but I just loved the attention I was getting from someone. My desperation was at ease whenever we'd hang out. I'd let him touch me and kiss me unexpectedly without consent, we'd have sex every time we met up even if I didn't feel like it. I felt like I had to be obedient just to keep a person around. Ultimately, I ended it after 2 months when I was venting to him through texts and he asked for "pics". I felt disgusted with myself and I thought why did I do this to myself from the start.

Number 2: This one only lasted a week. I warned him beforehand that I was mentally unstable and he said it was fine. We'd chat back n forth all day. We met once and then he ghosted me after that. Suddenly, my fear of abandonment kicked in and I kept texting him begging him for answers and to talk to me. I hurt myself after being 2 years clean because of this situation. Ultimately, I also figured out that he wasn't physically my type too. I was just desperate again.

Number 3: I randomly added a guy on snapchat. I posted a gym selfie on my story (I'm pretty fit) and he hmu. He showed me himself, and I was amazed. He was fit, cute, smart, mentally stable, mature, and has gone through similar experiences as me too. He was just everything I've always wanted. We chatted for a while and agreed to meet the next day. It was amazing, I felt safe around him, too safe. My mind instantly went to him when I was having mental breakdowns and it's pretty often. For about a week of talking, I was constantly venting and finding closure in a stranger I had JUST MET. He eventually removed me after I went crazy about things my mind made. Now that I'm looking back at it, I so desperately wish I had made it work with him. He's exactly my type. I guess the timing was bad. The last thing I told him was "I'm going to start therapy." and then he removed me from his socials, didn't block and I've decided to just let him go this time.

This was the moment where I finally realised that I need to CHANGE.

I went to my doctor and discussed what I've been going through mentally and there is a possibility I might be suffering from ADHD and/or BPD. I finally agreed to seek therapy and to hopefully better myself over time. I finally let my mum know what's going on with me mentally as she held me while I cried loudly for a while. I just wish I had realised this before I met guy number 3. I have a slight hope we could work it out after I sort myself out first, but there's no use in chasing people anymore.

I urge you all to not be like me. DO NOT date just because you're lonely, DO NOT date just because you're mentally unwell, DO NOT date just because you need/want attention.