I used to have a crush on one of my closest friends. I remember meeting him when I was just a kid in middle school, must of been in 7th or 8th grade. I forget how old I was, maybe I was 13 or 14. Back then I didn’t know what this feeling was, I was confused and I would often suppress those feelings. I would tell myself that our friendship was more important then whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t natural. And now I feel disgusting, I’m disgusted by how I am now. How I handled my friendship with this boy. I was his best friend, I was there whenever we needed each other. A part of me is confused about wether I was there because he was my true genuine friend, or because I had some malicious intentions. I can’t distinguish between those two. I feel guilty.
One day I disappeared, I couldn’t handle being just friends, watching him move on, grow up. He’s been getting to know this girl for the past few months, and something in my head flipped like a switch. Idk what it was but it changed something crucial about our friendship. I’m not sure if I was jealous or simply upset on how easy it is for someone like him to explore this side of himself. I’ve struggled for so long, it hurt to be injured this way. And it’s not his fault at all, this was something only I did to myself. Why do I have to be this way. I feel disgusted by how bad of a friend I’ve been, I feel guilty about it. And even so, after all the self guilt, a part of me feels good I was able to hurt my friend the way I did.