I (26M bottom) have been with my partner (28M top) exclusively for almost 2 years. I'm definitely in love and could see myself building a life with him.

A few months ago, my partner came home early and walked in on me playing with a dildo. He was really upset and incredulous given that we are very sexually active. I decided to be completely honest with him despite how difficult it was for me and my concern re: his reaction.

While I'm totally attracted to my partner and really enjoyed sex with him, there was something missing. My previous partner (34M top) had a very long dick and I've come to realize that I've become pretty obsessed with dick size after being exposed to that over several years before moving across the country from him and breaking up.

My current partner has an average sized cock and I'm left wanting more during sex. I know that's really superficial, shallow, awful, etc. I get it...no need to shame me further. But I have that physical need sexually now and it's why I purchased the dildo. Sexually I miss that feeling of fullness and the thrill of cumming hard from just having a big dick deep inside me without needing to stroke myself. I've realized that it's intensely sexually thrilling for me...more than I realized it at the time.

My partner thinks it's really weird for me to be playing with a toy without him. At first he was saying it was like cheating on him. But he also refuses to use it with me when we're fucking. He says it's totally disrespectful and insulting.

Things have headed south pretty quickly between us since the revelation. He's become jealous, suspicious, and possessive. He found my searches online for porn clips of dudes with massive cocks and he also discovered that I've been accessing old selfies of my ex's big dick.

I've made clear to him that I want to repair things and that I've very in love with him. He's had several ultimatums including that I stop looking at porn and playing with toys. The solution he came up with for dealing with my sexual needs is for us to engage in threesomes with hung dudes.

We've tried that a few times but I think it's backfired even more. While the encounters have been very sexually arousing for me, I think it's totally changed him after seeing the effect on me of getting fucked by a massive cock.

Sexually he's gotten more aggressive, rough, and verbal with me which has been a huge turn on. But he calls me a slut and a whore and doesn't make out with me during sex anymore. I think he's lost total respect for me. And it seems he prefers to see me getting fucked by another dude than fucking me himself. He just watches and shoots on my face or forces me to swallow his load, which he makes feel degrading for some reason.

I know I screwed things up clearly, but I also feel like it wasn't that wrong to privately play with a toy to satisfy my sexual needs. It's not like I was actually cheating on him.

How can I return things to the way they were?