im 19 and openly into guys. never had a relationship, still a virgin, not even a kiss. i have good friends, a relatively high self esteem, im fairly attractive and have a good support system. both my parents know i like guys and my closest friends do too, they all support me. no guys i have liked have ever liked me back. i have only ever been into masculine guys. i would say im more masculine than the avg gay man. i do have a feminine side, it just doesnt come out a lot. i know and appreciate gay culture. i am not homophobic towards feminine guys. i just have never been into them. actually, the more toxic, homophobic, str8, fratty, jock-y a guy looks and acts, the more i like him, and i have a tendency to want to be like the guys im into. im not like them, i do work out and play sports, but im also very knowledgeable on art, philosophy, literature and culture in general, and i just got into college for fashion design, but i secretly wish i want interested in shit like that and that i could just fit in with the stupid straight guys im into. im kinda ashamed of what i like be the "hot guys" im attracted to and want to be like, are not into the same things that im into. i feel alienated from "boy world" and feel like the "cool quys" would never hang out with me, but i know it also comes from me kinda fetishizing guys like that, but idk why im into guys that look like theyd hate me and beat me up. idk why i want to be like the guys im attracted to, i fear my personality is being shaped by me trying to emulate them by repressing everything feminine about me. i try to not let these intrusive thoughts choose for me, i try to stay authentic to myself, but i kinda feel inferior to them. i wish i was into finances or some shit like that but im just not. i know everything about this is wrong and fucked up and i know i should probably go to therapy but i just dont know what i should do. please help me and sorry if this was poorly written, im just venting. help me out lmao.