I am writing this not because I want to rant but because I want it out of my system, brain and life eventually. The following could be a long, confusing or even not a relatable read.

I am 27, male; I come from a joint turned nuclear family in Delhi, India. While I was a kid I saw my father fighting with his brother over the property/ family business because his brother did not work and wanted more-more out of it. My father has been cooperative yet the families had to struggle. Those situations led me to go through little panic attacks and fits. So, back then the 8-10 year old me decided that to enter the world of family business is a wrong idea and it will create feuds between my brother and I as well once I grow so I need to shift and do anything but family business. To have a stabler life mentally, I did an MBA (I did MBA with the mindset that I do not want to be part of corporate for a long time maybe 2-4 years, post that I want to do some business if not my own family business) and post pandemic I got placed with one of the ITeS giants (beed blue) as a Consultant in 2021. Not the kind of work I even thought in my dreams to enter but it was good! It gave me the exposure to my first client off site (2022) before my first year completed (and such banger sexual experiences it brought in as I had somewhat the liberty to hoe around with anyone and everyone in those limited days), I even got the opportunity to have an international offsite to Germany where I had an amazing time both professionally and personally (early 2023). This year, April 2024, I spoke to one of my then German managers and they offered me a job in Germany as a Consultant something I was manifesting dearly. I finally got what I wanted but the hurdle was to convince my family. I alongwith my brother somehow convinced our parents so that I could move to Germany, I started applying for visa back in June and no one - literally no one told me that it takes SOOOO long for the visa to come up (I asked the VFS people and they legit told me you will have it in less than 15 days). Since I was all packed up to leave in July end, it was a bummer that visa did not arrive yet. Then, in the first week of August my parents asked me to perhaps reconsider if I should relocate at all and take it as a sign, that was the time my nervousness really started to build up; came September and finally mid September I received my visa but in that past month I started working with my family on our business (as somewhere along the lines I realised that sitting at home in the anticipation of visa wouldn’t do any good and it wouldn’t harm to learn a thing or two about the bread and butter of my family for so many years) while doing so, not a single day went where I did not think if it is a worth it decision to go to Berlin not. Every waking moment my brain has been constantly consumed in the thought if I should go or not go, because at one point it is leaving behind my queer identity and continuing with the family business in India in an environment where my queerness may not accepted (I can not work in India in corporate anymore), the business in India though rewards money but is highly labour intensive literally and requires a lot of YOU time and health wise, plus I do not know if I truly align to it or not (it could be that subconscious child in me still thinks that I would have feud with my brother or maybe because I really do not like it); while in Germany it is living apart from family, in a foreign country where language, people, culture is a shock but I get to be queer and myself?! — also, I currently do not see Germany as a place where I would like to settle/ die, I want to be with my family or in the “comfort-zone”, plus I do not know if I would be able to start a business there on my own or if I would ever be able to find a partner!!!

A lot of nervous/ mental breakdowns happened and keep on happening and I am yet to accept that one decision which defines the concurrent years to come. My decision right now is to say no to the company in Germany and continue here in India with my family and business while I am utterly consumed in the thought that how would I proceed when I have to be married as my parents are after my life already to get married (too late per them) and what can I do if I ever decide to come out to them as I may not have any financial independence.

This post is definitely incomplete as I left a few parts here and there before I can not process things myself; all I know currently is that: I do not know if the decision I made is right or wrong? Should I have moved nevertheless?

I just want a more peaceful mind for the rest of the days and life to come and if you did read the entire post then THANK YOU and if you have any questions you would like me to discuss over this then please do write. I would like to talk more!