So many exes of mine either cheated on me, or were abusive toward me.

I've been in a 1 year relationship - my boyfriend says he loves me, and only cares about me when I break up with him & move on. When I come back, he says he misses me & stops seeing his mistresses. He always finds another one. But when we're together, he refuses to compromise with me, he refuses to understand me (he said both those things to my face), he's a self-admitted control freak (perhaps his double life is his method of having control??) and he flirts with numerous women on his public social media videos. He literally brags about cheating on me publicly, but nobody knows we're in a relationship. I've been disrespected by both gay exes of mine and bisexual exes of mine (I've only dated gay and bi men in the past).

Honestly, I am ashamed of my biphobia in the past, since my cheating and abusive exes shaped the beliefs I used to have about bisexual men. I just want to find a man who doesn't live a double life, doesn't tell women he's single when he's dated his boyfriend for 1 year. I've stayed because I believe no man will commit to me the way I need an ideal mate to. Because of guys choosing not to prioritize me first, all I want now is a clingy man, who builds his life around me 24/7, since my current boyfriend is self-absorbed, always distant and travels overseas 7 days a week. It's like I dump him, and then the only guys I find while we're separated are guys who want to fuck, and use me, or they bring nothing to the table, or they don't want kids (major turn off for me) and they warn me not to date, so I stop talking to them because we want different things out of life. The process of finding a man who will commit is just fucked up, so I just can't do the dating process again, only to date someone else who isn't worthy, time and time again. I've already caught my boyfriend cheating publicly 3 times. So, today, my solution was to tell my boyfriend I started looking for other guys because he refuses to listen when I tell him to stop flirting with all those girls. He's taken mistresses on international vacations, splurged on hotel rooms with them - he lives like a single bachelor. And tells me he can't spend time with me, and says to me, "Let me do my thing", because that's a codeword for "I'm cheating on you, have secret girlfriends and am living a double life".

I'm really trying to work through my trust issues, but I truly have been affected by men "abandoning" me through cheating & not prioritizing me in general in any relationships I've had, so to speak. I've dated other cheaters in the past and stayed faithful. But now, I decided to take back control and simply look for outside attention, just like my boyfriend is. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is the name of the game. I'm also aware that my past thinking was toxic - I used to think "All men are cheaters and absentee parents" and that's obviously not true. But I just hate that the worst men try to seduce me, and when I'm single, the men I'm actually attracted to are the ones who don't feel a spark between us. Some of them friend zone me due to their own internalized homophobia, and others are just downright assholes - so that's also influenced my past thinking, too.