(Warning: TLDR - sorry in advance!)

Just for context, when we were separated, I constantly thought about the song "Figures" by Jessie Reyez - it's like my relationship put to music. Music truly is universal.

Anyway - I'm polyamorous with 4 boyfriends. I'm 28 now; bf #1 is 27. #2 (who I'll mention later) is 35. Someone else (the final person mentioned) is 25.

However, one of my boyfriends (a self-employed & notable person - I won't say why out of confidentiality for both of us) has violated the boundaries of our relationship multiple times, and has never apologized to me for doing so. There are a lot of double standards in our relationship - rules for thee and not for me, is like the mission statement of my boyfriend's existence. I resented him for several months, and lashed out at him numerous times - and I have since apologized to him for how horribly I treated him after his cheating, but he has never apologized - in fact, he lied and switched the subject to my face, about cheating, even after I caught him twice before and (on one of his social media posts) has showed his mistresses on video; he's flaunting their faces & bodies, as they straddle his legs and he smacks their butts. I was disgusted. Words can't explain how I felt & still feel. He even took another mistress on exotic vacations, to Australia, Hawaii, Dubai, Saudi Arabia, France, and many, many more - but couldn't fly to New Jersey to spend time with me? Imagine how I felt, even after he said - numerous times - he's too busy to spend time with me, and then he was so excited when I told him I decided to move to his area, 7 months into our relationship. I felt it was the only way our relationship could grow. Only to find - when reading the fine print, therein lies the truth. (I'll expand on that later)

Fast forward to June 2024: I was finally managing my sleep schedule, and going to sleep at proper times - until my bf stepped out; I had sleepless nights for 1 month in a row, and am still nocturnal, like I was, before I moved last year. I frequently stay up between 12 to 48 hours, without even looking at a clock. To think that tears weren't the only thing my bf stole from me, crushes me inside. I also broke out a lot at that time, and briefly had adult acne (which doesn't happen as often as in June, thankfully). I just started an insurance job, so I'm scrambling to find ways to get better sleep, before my first day of work (I'm still in training).

I was anorexic from age 4 until I was 22, and for 1 full year (from May 2023 to May 2024), my anorexia came back, after a fight my boyfriend and I had when we first started dating - I only recovered this past May 2024. I've never mentioned a single word about this to my bf. I've mentioned only 3 or 4 sentences about my personal life to him (mostly traumas & paragraphs, venting about my financial situation at that time) - and he not only responded by victim blaming me, but he's adamant that he refuses to help me financially. (I was so hurt by this, that I forgot to tell him, I'm in a 13 year conservatorship that's not court ordered - since I was 15 years old. I've avoided saying anything, because my bf always shuts me down when I ask him for anything (he said once, "I want an independent person"; he is self-absorbed, even in his relationships, which I said to his face when I was pissed at him, but it is true). I just don't like that he refuses to compromise with me, and refuses to understand my perspective on things (he wants to be dominant all the time, and I tend to wear a fake smile through stifling my needs, emotionally & sexually, to be what he wants in an ideal mate).

It hurts, but I've learned to deal with it, over time. My bf is young, possibly sociopathic,, and full of foolish pride. He sees his power and control as him having financial freedom (he's an abuse survivor himself, which I knew about, years before I met him). He doesn't believe in working a 9 to 5 (he's a self-employed millionaire & college dropout) and he wishes he could see me sooner, while refusing to help me escape an abusive situation. He is, seemingly, the most complex man I've ever dated (I have more than 180 exes; but he takes the cake. I've dated psychopaths who were easier to figure out than my current bf).

I keep moving around, timeline wise - However, I found out my boyfriend cheated again on June 2nd (7 days after our anniversary, which is May 26th - and I had to remind him of our 1-year anniversary, on the actual day), and I quickly ghosted him later that day, after seeing what I saw (a social media post, showing his Australian mistress and he, driving through Hawaii, holding hands while he's behind the wheel).

I dumped him for 7 weeks, and cried every single day, for the first 3 weeks. I've never cried that long in my life, before or since. I deleted pictures of him from my laptop and phone. I was desperate for power and control over my healing process. I decided that if a man is turned-off by chivalry and is not romantic, then I'm done. I just wanted to grieve and pretend my bf was dead, and act like I'm the funeral director, staying composed while everyone else cries, falls out, and holds each other during the service. That's the best way I can explain those 7 weeks. I would not wish it on anyone. Years ago, someone said, "The hardest thing in life, is to grieve for someone who's still here" - that hit home, so much more, both when I moved, and during our separation.

Fast forward to July 17, 2024, when I told my crush (bf #2) that I'm in love with him (and #2 stopped using Twitter that same night, and only uses Discord, but he doesn't allow anyone to DM him, which has me livid, especially since I have to make a new Discord - thankfully, Google Voice has saved the day multiple times).
The night of July 18, 2024 - Here comes my boyfriend (#1), telling me he misses me & he's still in love with me. But still, no apology for his reckless disregard of my emotions (not only regarding him stepping out on me, but also him victim blaming me about one or two things as well, which I've only recently gotten past). I was in a hopeful, but glum mood, playing 2 Beyonce songs back to back.

(Sidebar - The songs I listened to while we reconciled were, "I Care" and "I Miss You" - both opposing songs, that somehow accurately describe my relationship with #1 perfectly. Wow. And on Beyonce's 2nd best album, 4 - I'm not even a fan of Beyonce at all, but 4 and self-titled are my go-to albums that seem to cheer me up and help after any abuse I went through in life. Music is universal...... Also, during our separation, I consistently played "Why Don't You Love Me?" which I'd say is how I felt about him before getting to know him. He's a sweetheart - I just wish he'd be more considerate of my needs. My whole I've always been sad, because I've felt I existed to serve others, and I've never been able to - financially - live for myself, and I have a feeling #1 is banking on that; he's admitted he's a control freak).

By the way - bf #1 (he who steps out) is jealous of #2 (my crush from 7/17) - it's ironic; I told #2 about him, and he doesn't judge my situation. He's open minded. #2 is an empath, like myself. It's #1 that's got beef with him - and it's almost comedic to me. It's the pettiest thing (to me), but maybe it's major to #1 - I just make sure to never bring up #2, since I met #2 when me and #1 were separated, so I guess that's where the jealousy started, especially since when we argued, I'd always say things like, "#2 treats me better than you" and things like that (which I do regret a lot - both me and #1 have made mistakes in our relationship, but #1's cheating is still in my head, even before I go to sleep at night. #1 and I got back together 3 months ago, but I still have thoughts...... What if he betrays you again, what will you do then? Sink or swim. You've both made many leaps and bounds, and overcame a lot together. You told #1 you'd be loyal to him, and he made a love song for you on your birthday - but how will you cope if you catch him cheating again in the future? Please be cognoscente of this. (Those words have never left my mind, for the last 3 months, since we got back together)

1 and myself are back together, but my (name of social media site omitted) account is under my old phone number. For good reason. I'm never using (name omitted) again - it's much too painful, given the damage it's caused to our relationship.

Note: I caught my boyfriend cheating one more time, after I directly told him, "Cheating is a trigger for me". So, I'm even contemplating taking back my apology to him, because he cheated once after that. He also has a "Mr. and Mrs." profile on (name omitted), which he does not know I know about (it's obviously with yet another woman who's not me).

I regret doing this. I wish I could take it back, since it's the biggest mistake I've made in our relationship. Soon after I found out he was cheating on me, I outed my boyfriend & our relationship. To this day, people harass my boyfriend and ask if he's bisexual or not, and multiple questions like that, and it directly came from posts I made. I feel sorry for him - but I do have rare moments where I say to myself, "Don't talk to him about it. He deserves it. He's old enough to lack empathy for the man he loves, so he's old enough to handle criticism."

I give my bf a lot of credit - He could've easily dumped me after I hurt him like that. But I am glad he chose to forgive me. I've also said to him that I'm glad I took him back. I just have hope for the future. After almost 2 years of taxing personal & professional struggles, things are finally looking up for me. No more of Leo's looming clouds, over our relationship (you'll find out why I mention this, later).

This ex (who we'll give the fake name, Leo) cyberstalked me for 8 months - but that stalking situation's been resolved, thankfully - and Leo made a post, about having texted me, (possibly) asking to date me again, but I never received the message. Everything happens for a reason. I was told Leo is a sociopath, and to stay away from him (and staying away from him saved my life - he made a video, simulating graphic violence toward me, which has also been.... shocking, and almost shameful, for me to admit publicly). And, to think, I wasn't even aware Leo was stalking me, until 2 months after it started - the day before, I'd asked him if we could start over as friends (I dumped him 5 months before, and only reached out to him, to reconcile as friends - 1 minute later, he blocks me. The stalking continued for 6 months after that, including a post - which is still online - saying, "Don't ghost me, I'll show up at your door.").