I feel really messed up sexually. I like pussies but not woman. I like dominant masculine men but don’t like being submissive long term. I crave masculine male attention because I haven’t had much of that in my life. I came from getting my hole licked once (side stuff) but i didn’t like how it felt. But I still want to be played with by men? Like a toy to give hot guys pleasure. I don’t understand it. And I don’t trust anyone to try stuff with. I just keep fantasizing about my older brothers best friend and how hot he looks with his beard and curly hair and muscles and I want to touch his dick and make him cum and play with his hole. But he’s married and straight, which is part of the appeal. He’s nice and safe. I just want access to touch all his muscles and play with his dick and listen to his moans as he cums. Whenever I try to get a tops attention on grindr they want to fuck understandably and I dont want to be fucked. I jerk off to big cock porn and I go on grindr looking for big dicks and then when I finally find one, I’m not even attracted to it. I like looking it at it but I don’t feel like sucking it, touching it, nothing. I just want to have a tops attention and pleasure. My head is really fucked up. I’m lonely as hell. I constantly feel like I’ll never find sexual satisfaction. When I was a 8, a 16 year old boy would put me in bed with him and make me touch his dick. I think I’m just trying to recreate that same environment as it’s become my dominating fantasy. The idea of cuddling with someone all night and touching their dick sounds really nice. I know this is a lot and a jumbled mess but I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this stuff and it’s obvious to me now that my brain is stuck in a circuit of the same thoughts and behaviors.