Situation: My BF and I (1yr seeing each other, 6mo official) are in an open relationship. Up until Pride month, we only were sexual and physical with each other. Then we started playing around more at dance parties, etc and have had two threesomes.

Problem: It’s a very confusing experience for me though. I actually proposed us being open when we first started dating because I felt kind weird about “ownership,” for his sake. And in the moment, group play can be super exciting and sexy. But almost ALWAYS, it leaves me feeling anxious and shitty afterwards. I guess you’d call it jealousy, but not an angry jealousy, more like…nervous uncomfortable energy like I’m going to loose my guy.

We’ve had a few talks and adjusted boundaries to accommodate for how I’m feeling. Lots of communication. He’s super, super understanding of my feelings and willing to adjust. I feel very trusting of our personal connection over casual fun. He’s even said he’s fine with open or monogamous. Doesn’t really matter to him. I DO see him enjoying the hell out of the attention from others though. In a way I think THAT is why I feel good about group play, because I see it makes him feel good about himself. I don’t really care about the others.

But again, it far more often than not leaves me with a lot of anxiety afterwards. Logically it doesn’t make sense given how we communicate and in that I’m a good looking fella, in shape, good lover. I’ve got nothing to be dumping on myself over. It just makes me feel bad…

Advice: Take a break from group stuff for a while? Go monogamous? Just be patient and learn not to let those feelings ruin a good time?

Context: Previous 10 year relationship probably plays heavily into this. Distilled down it was pretty emotionally abusive in my direction and my self esteem definitely took a hit. I got out because I realized he was a pathological liar and a compulsive gambler. (Suddenly writing this post feels like a bate a switch. Not intended.)