This is really just a vent because it’s bothering me.

I (29M) went to DC Pride for the first time this year. For some dumb reason, I went solo. I don’t have anyone to go with and thought maybe I’d use it as an exercise to overcome my social anxiety. While the weekend wasn’t a total bust, it definitely empathized my lack of friends. I went to a circuit party, the parade, and the block party. It was just super awkward not knowing anyone.

I came out in 2021, so it was a bit late. At the time I was a pastor (🙃) and all my friends were through that. Of course they all walked away when I came out. I’ve been trying to build a new community over the last 3 years but I’ve pretty much failed.

It doesn’t help that I’m kinda stuck in a situation that is less than favorable. I live in central VA in a city that has no gay spaces and very few gay people. At least very few who aren’t college students. No offense to students but I can’t really go to a college party as almost 30yo. I’m also a firefighter so it’s not like I have a very diverse work environment.

I turn 30 in September this year and while I know it’s not the end mentally, it definitely feels like it. It’s depressing knowing that I wasted what could have been my best years in a job I didn’t love, helping people who ultimately didn’t care for me. My life feels like a trainwreck and I’m running out of ideas to fix it.

It sucks knowing that I’ll have been on earth for 30 years and have no one to celebrate/endure it with. It’s silly but I get jealous seeing people post their friends on social media, wishing them a happy birthday. I haven’t been able to celebrate my birthday in 15 years so the idea of people caring enough to post about it is so foreign to me. Even the idea of have people to take pictures with and make memories with is wild.

Like I said, I’m just venting. Don’t have anywhere else to.