This isn’t a question. More like me venting in front of internet strangers since I have no where else to get this off my chest.

Recently, watched a series of TikTok where a guy has the whirlwind romance with a foreign boy. The content of the series is mostly irrelevant outside of the fact that I got mad jealous. Which I absolutely hate. Like why be jealous of good things happening to other people, whether you know them or not. And yet there I was. Jealous and frustrated.

I recently had met someone who I thought could have a future with. Turns out I was wrong.. again. I guess when someone brings up a threesome and it doesn’t take long for them to find a candidate, you should assume they’re cheating. So I guess that’s part of it.

Part of me wants to just give up and finally admit the love, for me, just doesn’t exist. The other part of me is terrified that it might be true and still wishes for something more. Something where I can for the first time be the grand prize. Not the consolation for not getting what you truly wanted. I wanna be someone’s dream. The guy who puts a face to the fantasy. The guy who ends all your daydreams because you don’t need the escape anymore. The guy that’s more than what you imagined or wished for. The guy that sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget what life was like before you met me. And I know all of that is super cheesy and unrealistic. But for once I wish I could be the X that marks the spot. The thing that someone’s be looking for their whole life.

However, it doesn’t look like it’s in the cards for me. I know where I live doesn’t help. The dating pool is almost nonexistent here. But at the end of the day, the common denominator of every time I’ve been hurt, used, left, dropped, ghosted, or betrayed is me. Maybe I’m the problem. I mean I dated a guy for almost a year who made sure I knew I wasn’t his type or what he wanted. And still defended him to all my friends.. and my therapist.

Anyway, sorry for the long mood killer. I’m just feeling super shitty today and needed an outlet.