TIA for taking a read of this, I think it might help my writing some of this down and any thoughts appreciated…

So, my ex (32 UK) & I (29 UK) were together for around 18 months, we lived together for the last year or so. We broke up in January this year but lived together in separate bedrooms until end of March due to the lease on the house.

We were generally very happy, never really argued, and just really enjoyed each others company with a lot of happy memories in that relatively short period of time.

I’d say my ex had quite a high sex drive, clearly always had. I can too, but when I’m stressed etc or in my own head about something, it can really take a hit.

I started to get an overwhelming feeling middle of last year that he may had been talking to other people, he clearly had a lot of past connections where he used to live and I had seen messages pop up. Suspicion got the best of me when he was away with work (we both stayed away semi regularly for work) and I had caught him on Grindr explore. I confronted him at the time and almost broke up with him then, he begged me to give him another chance, that he would never hurt me like that again, and we moved forward from it, with me being very clear that if anything like that were to happen again, that would be it. The sex kind of didn’t quite recover because I just had this niggle in the back of my head and felt under constant pressure in my head - maybe that I wasn’t good enough or something.

I had told my two closest friends and some close family members what had happened and they obviously made their judgements and of course the relationship between them and my ex wasn’t quite the same after that, which obviously made things difficult.

Fast forward to January this year, he came out with it that he thought he might have an STI and that he had had a blowjob off someone in a toilet in a club at a work Christmas party in December. I said straight away it was over, because of what had happened before and that there was now no trust. I obviously got tested and it was chymidia, and got treated.

Before all this, we had had a lovely home, a great life together generally, always doing something, and had built up a group of close local friends, and it was now all over for us both.

He tried to reconcile over the time we were living together, but I was headstrong and having none of it from my own morals and the advice of close family and friends. Found a new flat for myself, focused on work, got counselling and started my healing journey. It wasn’t easy, I had to be very emotionless towards him whilst living together all the time whilst having “what if” moments, but knew that even if I could forgive, my family and friends would never be able to move forward with him.

I stayed nearby to the area we had lived in as I have friends and family nearby, including the friends we had made together, whilst he moved to London with his best friend.

This was end of March and we had a period of no contact until a couple of weeks ago. I was running the London Marathon and he text me the night before with a good luck message. I sent a blank “thank you” back, but the inevitable “I miss you” message followed from him. It sort of opened the communication back up again. Not constant, but a light trickle every few days, just casual conversation.

His head office is near my home, I had the day off work after my marathon and he was in the area and asked if I needed anything or if I wanted to get something to eat. I agreed, went to a pub nearby and he came back and we casually chatted, next thing I know we are getting intimate and one thing led to another. We both agreed it probably wasn’t the best idea for our own healing afterwards. Not that it was a regret at the time, and I was clearly in a better headspace than him at the time, but I equally didn’t want to give him false hope, but couldn’t deny the connection at that point in time.

The weekend just gone we were both meant to be attending a stag/hen do for mutual friends getting married next month where we are both going to the wedding. I had asked him last week if he was still going, he said he was but was a bit nervous. I turned up at our friends and he wasn’t there, the guy in the friendship group said he was not in the right place emotionally to face it. Truth is, in my heart of hearts I really wanted him to be there and missed his presence amongst the group.

Next day, I was driving home and these little things kept reminding me of him. I saw an old VW Beetle on the same roundabout where we had broken down in his old Beetle the summer before. I just couldn’t get him out of my head - for the first time since we had broken up. I really wanted to see him.

I messaged him about the Beetle I saw and we started chatting. He then invited me to come down to his and I jumped at the chance. I drove down in the nervous anticipation of seeing him. We had a great evening with him and his housemate. His housemate went to bed and we chatted, he then just burst into tears absolutely sobbing about what he lost, how much he loved me, how much his family and friends had told him what a mistake he made, how we never gave it another opportunity to make it work etc etc. we chatted and I didn’t say much but listen.

We went to bed and we had great sex for hours, again in the morning, it just felt that there was just no pressure and it just felt right. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. Again, no feeling of regret.

I didn’t want to go home in the morning, I wanted to spend more time with him, I knew he had plans around the house that day but I suggested we maybe head into London and go to a museum or something like that. He agreed, we headed into London and got lunch and walked around a museum for a couple of hours. Then, spend some time walking around London and it felt so chilled and natural and easy, we even put our arms around each other and he kissed me every now and then. Something we never did when we were out in public together when we were together and I always hated PDA, but again, in the moment, it felt so right.

We didn’t talk once about the past or future on that day, we just lived in the moment together and we both enjoyed that moment.

Now, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m trying to be so incredibly cautious, for my heart and his. But, I quite like this idea of “dating” and just seeing how it goes, whether we can reconcile and whether there’s a chance to explore that.

If that is a possibility, I know that if any of my family and friends (other than our mutual friends) were to find out any of this they would absolutely flip their lid. They would say I’m so stupid to even be considering any of this and for even seeing him after what he did and put me through.

I see signs that he’s working through some of his negative traits and also trying to heal. I just feel we have a very powerful connection even after what has happened. He’s clearly very remorseful for what’s happened and wished it had never happened. He puts what happened down to our lack of sex at the time, which was the case at that time, and he had communicated it but I kept brushing it off - something I’ve never been truthfully honest to myself about, but can see it on reflection. It’s not really an excuse for what he did but I didn’t listen to the communication at the time, and it put more pressure on me - so I didn’t come on to him etc. then he got some attention from elsewhere on a drunk night and and he did what he did.

I don’t know if I am being stupid in all of this. Since the break up and my therapy I’ve felt so strong and generally very happy, friends, family and colleagues have seen a really positive change in me since it all because of all the pressure I was dealing with in the last few months of our relationship.

But, now the pressures off it feels like there’s unfinished business here and I don’t really know where it could go and whether it’s even worth exploring, as much as my heart is telling me I want to…