Hey y'all!

So I'm in a situation with this closeted guy that I'd really love to chat about with someone.

We met a few months ago at a music festival. He's a filmmaker and was on assignment to take pics/vids about the festival. I thought he looked so hot walking around with his camera so I went to talk to him. Conversation went well but he said he was stressed about all the work he had to do. It almost felt like he was complaining about me distracting him from his work so I kissed him on his cheek and bid him goodbye so that he could focus.

When I got home after the festival, I found a text from him saying he really enjoyed the kiss and would have loved to have more. This was honestly news to me and I was disappointed he didn't tell me this at the festival because we live in different countries. He's originally from Germany but recently moved to Africa, living in a country that neighbours my own.

Anyway, we agreed that next time we're in the same country we should link up. We kept in touch over the next few months and recently he invited me to a NYE rave in his country which was being hosted at the hotel he lives in. I was excited to go and had to travel over 24 hours by road to get to the party. I made note of the fact that the rave organizers specifically mentioned that no homophobia would be allowed.

So I got there, we started talking the first night and I leaned in to kiss him. He stopped me and said that he is discreet which I respected. Only that things became very awkward from that point on. He didn't want to be seen talking to me. He'd pretty much just ignore me and avoid me. I'd try to talk to him but he'd cut the conversation short or say he's coming back but disappear etc.

I thought maybe he just doesn't like me but I couldn't explain why he'd stare at me all the time or come dance next to me. And at New Year's time he came up to me and said he was so happy I came and shared his drink with me...only to go back to ignoring me thereafter.

I didn't know what to make of these mixed signals but it felt like he was overcompensating for the fact that I tried to kiss him in public where someone might have seen by completely ignoring me just so no one thinks he's into guys.

I know it was dumb to try kiss him like that. I should have checked with him first. I apologized over and over but I think the damage was already done. So after being ignored like that, I just tried my best to have fun and enjoy the rest of the weekend without him.

After everything ended and I went back home, he sent me a text saying he's so sorry for treating me badly but he hopes I had fun. I've apologized once again and tried to ask him if there's anything I did that pissed him off but so far it's been 2 days with no response.

Annoying thing is I can't stop thinking about him. I'm replaying the weekend over and over in my head.

I'm old enough to know that I need to respect his decisions and that I'll feel better in a few weeks but right now he's all I think about. I just can't help but think how it might have turned out had I not tried to kiss him or if he wasn't in the closet or if homophobia didn't exist.

It hurts so fucking much. I just wanna stay in bed and cry.

Can someone just send me hugs and tell me I'll be okay with time or something?

Tl;dr Crush invited me for a party. I tried to kiss him. He said he's discreet. Ignored me for the rest of the party and now i'm super sad.