For a long time, I was on Lexapro. I overdosed on it multiple times without understanding the potential consequences. These overdoses caused mild serotonin syndrome, which mostly manifested as trembling. The first time I overdosed, I took two bottles of Lexapro at once. That day, after coming home from school, I think I had a seizure. I remember lying on the couch, closing my eyes, and experiencing extreme shakes. Suddenly, I had horrible, involuntary shaking accompanied by bright, flickering lights. I woke up shortly after and felt completely normal—it was strange.

About a month ago, I stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey. I couldn’t really taper off because I had already been lowered to 10 mg. The withdrawal symptoms were mild. After that, I moved in with my boyfriend and tried some drugs out of curiosity. I experimented with ketamine, Valium, Adderall, and a few other substances. Even before taking these drugs, I had been experiencing unusual muscle jerks and serotonin syndrome-like symptoms, despite not taking anything that should have increased serotonin. Surprisingly, the ketamine and other drugs didn’t worsen my symptoms.

Then, a few days later, I tried MDMA. The first trip was incredible—I didn’t experience any brain zaps or withdrawal effects. However, just a few days after that, I made the reckless decision to take two 200 mg MDMA tablets, totaling 400 mg. It was pure hell. Why did I do it? I was having a bit of a freak-out, and it was a very impulsive decision. Honestly, I think I got what I deserved.

It’s been about four days now, though the days have melted together. Strangely, the day after overdosing on the MDMA, I didn’t feel as much pain as I’m experiencing now. It makes me wonder if serotonin syndrome has a delayed effect, with symptoms worsening over time. I don’t want to go to the hospital, but I’ve been considering getting my hands on Periactin, which supposedly blocks serotonin production. Unfortunately, it requires a prescription.

At this point, I feel stuck. I’m not sure if I’ve permanently damaged my serotonin system. I’ve tried taking painkillers for the constant nerve pain, but many of them also increase serotonin. Even caffeine seems to have that effect. I think my best option is to wait it out and try to remain as calm and zombie-like as possible. Viva la resistance.

Too long didn’t read: Took 400mg MDMA impulsively a day after my first sub-200mg experience and am experiencing mild-moderate symptoms of serotonin syndrome and have no access to benzodiazepines to mitigate my symptoms.