TW: Well, the title. If that evokes something like trauma or anxiety or anything else like that, please pass on this. The last thing I want is to have anyone relive harmful experiences. Your mental health matters. You matter.

Over the last few years, I have been reminded of something I did. I've been trying to soul search for the answer of "was thus racist?" to no avail. I truly don't know the answer to this. I've said both yes and no, I've also come up empty. Consider it my Schrödinger's cat.

Again, trigger warning. If anything triggers you, or you feel like it will, do NOT read. Your mental health matters and YOU matter

This was maybe 5-6 years ago. My family, including I, is white. I was 14-ish then, but that probably doesn't matter because ultimately discrimination at any age is bad. Me and my dad were driving to Burlington to get clothes for an event. My dad parked his car, and someone in the back of us basically said "This is my spot." He was Black, if memory is correct. He definitely wasn't white, though. Now, my dad has anger management issues (not to a violent or harmful degree, but they're there) and he angrily got out of the car to basically stand his ground. I went out with him. This was around the time I was super into the idea of self defense for some odd reason. I was 14 so getting into a brawl was less traumatic and more "badass" to my stupid mind. But I remember getting out and thinking "if this guy pulls a knife, I know where my pencil is" in case... you probably know. Now, I didn't actually grab it. It was in the car. I just knew it was there. This is the only time I remember this happening, though I should note that does NOT mean it only happened once, but I truly do not know what I would've done if he was white. I remember also saying I would've kept arguing if I were in my dad's shoes because I was in the right.

The second half of this story is when me and my mom were yet again talking about self defense. I proudly stated how one time, I wanted to defend my dad from a guy. This was maybe a year after...? I want to say less than 2. It was most definitely not any more than 2.5 years after. But I followed it up with "I don't know if it was because he was Black." Again, proudly because I wanted to defend my father, though whether or not I had some unconscious bias is still unknown to me. I wasn't taught racism by my parents. My mom actually said "If that's the case, then we need to have a conversation" and I vividly remember she was disturbed by my statement, so don't blame them. But I don't know if I was tapping into an unconscious bias I had, because I did see how the news portrayed Black people and knew it wasn't in a good light, even at the time in my much more ignorant mind, or if I was just a stupid 14-15 year old thinking that his race actually made a difference, if that makes sense.

Whether or not this makes a difference is not up to me, but when I heard about George Floyd, I empathized/sympathized with him (whichever is the correct term) and have ever since taken to learning about racism, and anti-racism, specifically making an effort to center Black voices, such as listening to videos on it (Khadija Mbowe, Tee Noir, Fab Socialism, F. D Signifier, Shanespeare, Harriyanna Hook, Verdis Joe, and I am sure I left out a few for those who want some good video essays and opinions from Black people), as well as reading articles on it, both opinion pieces and factual articles, including some by a Black owned publication called "Atlanta Black Star." Again, whether or not this changes how you think of the events mentioned is not my choice nor should it be.

So was I racist? How do I take accountability if I was? Should I tell my Black friends about this, too?

Regardless of the answer, thank you. You're amazing. I hope you walk everyday with pride knowing how amazing you are.

P.s, I would've answered this myself years ago if I could but I am not nuanced enough, which was the realization I came to today. If you don't know, that is also fine because I also don't know.