TW: racism

So, obviously that is a vague question. I'll provide background. I have ocd and it's been race based for years. At least 2 years to be a bit more exact. This means I obsess over racism, I have intrusive thoughts as well, meaning I have thoughts that are opposite to my morals and values. I'd consider my values anti-racist, so m sure you can fill in those blanks. It also means that I'm compulsive. In order to "disprove" being a racist I might do certain things.

One of those compultions is that when I'm working, I only take a 10 or 30 minute break if there are no Black people in the store (those are the only breaks we have) I guess in my brain this translates to "I didn't take a break because of Black people," which I know sounds weird. The only exceptions are either if 1. Black people enter as I am preparing to take my break. Usually when this happens there is a very small amount of guilt because I'm taking my break. 2. If my boss tells me to take a break.

I say this because when I was clocking out, I saw two people coming in. They were white, and under my breath I said "thank God they aren't Black." Right after I realized what I said I started to feel this horrid guilt (I still feel it; this was only a few hours ago. I would've sent this much earlier if I wasn't still at work). I think I meant it as a way of saying I didn't want to feel guilty for going on my break, like I said earlier, but I feel horrible... And I SAID it!!! So it isn't just some thought I can dismiss, like every intrusive thought... No one heard so I'm not guilty for being caught or losing anything because no one knows rn but us. I'm guilty because... what came over me? Why did I say that...?

So... am I racist? Be brutally honest. I'm not posting this for some comfort reasons. I'm posting for honesty.

I have some other reddit posts if mine in the past that might influence your answer. Post 1 https://www.reddit.com/r/askblackpeople/comments/y53qud/was_i_racist_black_people_only/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Post 2 https://www.reddit.com/r/askblackpeople/comments/10pdos4/is_this_racism_or_is_it_something_else_black/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

And no this isn't a sick April fool's joke. I don't do that.