I know my wife's therapist- not personally, but ran into her with my spouse at an event once and was introduced by spouse. I have dropped my spouse off at therapist's home office for appointments before. She's come up by name for years.

My wife has a history of extreme sexual assault/abuse.

She also has a habit, that we have discussed together, of due to financial stresses in our life, feeling like she cannot afford to take time to take care of herself, physically or emotionally.

A year or so ago, we had a discussion about the possibility of transitioning into an open marriage. All the details were not worked out but things were heading in that direction. Conversation about that stopped.

6 months ago, my wife came to me to tell me that she was on the verge of starting a relationship with her (and previously, my) masseuse/energy healer.

This person's work goes well beyond a simple back rub in terms of client emotional experience, and is normally performed with the client nude.

I told my partner that while I was still on edge about the open relationship thing, I was willing to give it a shot. However, the context surrounding this person with a serious power gradient initiating a relationship with her raised a ton of red flags to me.

My wife became very defensive, and insisted on some extreme things: she was going to have this relationship no matter what, she only begrudgingly agreed to use protection with partners outside of our marriage (something I readily promised from myself and really wanted from her).

In ensuing 6 months, our marriage has completely fallen apart. I've had a rough time, but my wife has become erratic, unstable, and irrational. She wants a divorce: I have moved out on her insistence.

Despite the recommendation of a couples therapist to "not have relationships outside of the marriage whole we sort things out," she has persisted seeing this guy. At first it was "only for professional services because they are really helping me"... then a friend saw them on a date together. I've found out they're going out for lunch, coffee, drinks regularly.

My wife has gone from "I'm having this relationship no matter what," to "I ended it,for you and the therapist," to "there was never a relationship," to recently, "there was never a relationship and the therapist never said anything about not seeing other people."

Pretty much any time this guy comes up in conversation, if the relationship the have/had is mentioned, she has some sort of anxiety attack.

A few days ago, I took her on a lunch date.

On the walk back to the car, she suggested, for the first time, that she was open to separating for a year but pausing in the divorce.

In the car, she started talking about her thing with this guy. I didn't bring it up, she did.

"He was in a position of power and he made an advance that I wasn't expecting"

"Looking back, I don't think any of it was non-consensual "

"We kissed, several different times. We got physical. There was a time the opportunity was there and we started to have sex but stopped because... well, something about it was really awkward and uncomfortable."

"I got triggered by what happened. It brought up feelings of past sexual abuse. And overall, it was really a bad experience, net negative. Not just the old feelings, but this whole experience. I learned a lot about myself though, so I think it's useful and ok."

"I'm not a victim, though. I'm not going to let myself get into a victim mindset. I can't afford to let it feel that way. I can't afford to feel like something bad happened, or that I cheated on you."

My take: I feel certain in my gut that he sexually assaulted her. I think he found out that we were in a potentially open marriage, then made an advance and got handsy in a wildly inappropriate way.

And she is in COMPLETE self preservation denial, to herself and I'm sure to her therapist and everyone around her. And this is contributing to her unstable emotional state.

She's continuing to spend time with him. Go out to lunch. Grab drinks. I'm pretty sure have nude massages. She likes him as a person... but I think this contact time is in no small part because, of course, why would I hang out with someone who sexually assaulted me? So if I go on more dates and hang out as a friend... "I have power over this, so no bad thing could have happened."

I know her therapist will not talk to me, but I can talk to her. I can send an email; I can leave a voicemail. I want her to know what I think is going on, and went on.

Is this an advisable idea?