Combination of CSA as a toddler, principal caregiver(sister) vanishing when I was 7, intermittent physical abuse and emotional neglect by my parents from birth to when I left home.

Near as I can figure, I didn't form attachment bonds with either parent. I had a loose intellectual bond with my dad. I was afraid of my mom.

For most of my life, I figured I was just quirky, and that I had had an ideal set of parents that let me do pretty much what I wanted. I was the original free range kid. Quirky meant that in middle childhood, I strove to develope indpendence and self reliance -- normal, but not at the levels I pushed it. As teen I din't make the transition of friends = shared activities and interests to friends = shared intimate thoughts and feelings. I lost all my friends at puberty. Made some new ones that were as fucked up as I was. I have never fallen in love. Have not known anguish or grief, I don't think I've known joy.

I seem to have learned however that other people cannot be trusted to stick around. Brown breaks down trust into 7 things: Boundaries, Reliable, Accountable, Vault (maintaining confidences) Integrity, non-judgemental, generous (take the most favorable interpretation you can). I didn't know what boundaries were, my parents were not reliable, were rarely accountable, they did not consider me worth telling ever about either the abuse or my sister's pregancy (she didn't vanish. She was sent away) My mom was very judgemental toward me, and would do so in front of my friends. I can't speak to generous.

The neglect was intermittent. Always food on the table. Always a warm dry house. But I had to do my own laundry if I wanted it done. And parents didn't come to events. I couln't count on them for transport to scouts. In hindsight, they gave me some attention if it was easy. But there are lots of holes in my memory map: Why did I wait for red streaks before bringing an infection to their attention. (about age 8 or 9) Why did I attempt to tough it out after spilling burning kerosene on my hand. Incidents like this make me think that I was pushing very hard to be independent.

Anyway, I react badly to rejection. Since starting to discover my past starting about 2.5 years ago, I've become much more aware of this pattern:

• There is some large criticism.
• I'm triggered. My first response is to flee and hide.
• I see it as black and white. Our entire relationship is over.

After that it depends on the nature of the situation. It has taken as long as 6 months to repair some ruptures. Others I wrote the other individual out of my life. The last few I ahve repaired quickly -- a day or less. But these quick ones have been with my partner. We have built a set of protocols for this.

The serious part of the rupture is the bringing up of a raft of older events. Some of these were sources of previous rupture and repair. Some were new to me.

Old events destroy my trust. I usually feel "mousetrapped" at the best of times. I don't see these coming. But whenever and older event comes up, my first reaction after the rejection is, "What else aren't you telling me."

Recycled events have the same trust destroying pawer, but in addition they tell me, "this wasn't really settled. What else isn't settled."

I'm left in the position of tension waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On top of this the inability to trust in relationships has made all of my relationships shallow. I ( or a Part) keep them at a level where I can tolerate, "Well, they don't wan't me anymore. Move on"

Also in many situations I've felt that instead of being liked, or at least accepted, it's more of being tolerated because I'm useful. This has resulted in a "Not Good Enough" mindset unless I have recently gone overboard to be productive, useful, helpful. And Rational Me sees how this would be a consequence of my shallow trust.

I've talked about this several times with my T. She sees it as a more general problem from my trauma.

I can be open on Reddit, because being open here isn't being vulnerable. But I think that a lot of the non-vulnerability stems from alienation: I don't see myself as human any more, I see my cuture, and my life as being esseintially meaningless. As I told my T. "I'm totally out of fucks"

I think a huge amount of this stems from my inability to trust.

I've tried CPT with a previous therapist. Just made my mindset aboaut everying far mroe negative. This after doing almost 50 ABC sheets some with multiple items. on them.

I would like an approach I can work on in parallel with my current therapy.

Answers can be in the form of books, workbooks, websites videos, suggested modalities, invoacations of demons, djinn,and leprechauns. No bansees, please unles they have had voice training.

HOw do I build trust?