My partner (41M) and I (38M) have been together for almost 3 years. When we first started dating we had a very healthy sex life, but by the end of April 2022 it had dwindled. We moved in together in June 2022, and we became Domestic Partners in January 2024. Other than the lack of sex, I feel like my partner is the perfect person for me, and as he was raped 200 times by a live-in nanny from the time her was 4 until he was 7, I try to be very understanding of why sex is hard for him. But, I'm at a loss. And I feel totally hopeless.
Last night, we were watching some episodes of Sex and the City on Netflix, and he got grossed out by seeing people kiss on the screen. He told me he thinks he may have become asexual. But, I don't know about that. When I clean the house, I'll occasionally find socks or toilet paper he has used to clean himself up after masturbating. And I know asexual people can still masturbate, have sexual fantasies, watch porn, etc. But, I just don't understand why his sexual drive isn't inclusive of me.
He and I have talked about this, and it never resolves. We've contemplated opening the relationship, but the thought of him having sex with other people really turns me off. And, I never liked the apps or hook-up culture. A lot of that has to do with how bullied I was on the apps. I was often told I was too ugly, too old, too hairy, not hairy enough, too fat, not fat enough, etc. to be using the apps. So, I rarely hooked up with anyone. And when I did hook up with people, I had a hard time performing because I had no connection to the people. So, I don't think opening the relationship would help us. I think it would just further tank my self-esteem and make me feel worse about everything than I already do.
I feel like I'm cursed to be unhappy in life. I was closeted for a long time, married a woman at 23, came out at 28, moved from the suburbs of Houston to NYC in 2014, and struggled for years to feel like I belonged in any situation involving queer people. I currently have a great job, a nice and comfortable apartment, and a partner that I know romantically loves me even if he doesn't want to touch me, hug me, kiss me, or have sex with me. And, I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm doomed to never be happy.
I kind of wish I could commit suicide. I feel like my family, my partner, and my few friends would probably all be much better off if I wasn't around anymore. And I feel certain they wouldn't miss me anymore by the time I was cremated. But, I'm too scared/weak to hurt myself like that. I really don't know what to do. Therapy hasn't helped with this. Talking to my partner hasn't helped with this. I'm so lost.